Lover Of Our Soul

Black Church Leaders: Seeking Forgiveness From the LGBT Community

2011-03-04T18:24:00.000-08:00

A rather unusual event recently took place in the Washington, D.C., suburb of Fort Washington, Md. Several ministers of black churches met with members of the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) community—and formally apologized for what the organizers described as the church's judgmental attitude toward individuals who experience same-sex attraction and their loved ones.

Although a sincere apology is often the first step to restoring a fractured relationship, our culture has made public apologies into a performance art, characterized by carefully scripted PR creations and only token acknowledgments of actually having done wrong.

It was with this skepticism that I attended the forum at Carolina Missionary Baptist Church on Feb. 19, billed as an opportunity for people to express their thoughts and feelings in a safe environment. Anthony E. Moore, pastor of Carolina, moderated the dialogue and stated up front that the forum was not intended to be one in which the church took a theological position on homosexuality. My pastor, Keith Battle, attended on behalf of Zion Church, and other sponsoring churches included Pilgrim Baptist Church in D.C. and New Vision Church in Bowie, Md.

When I arrived, someone was recounting what it has been like to be born a man while feeling, and ultimately living, like a woman. The speaker explained that she turned to prostitution and drugs after experiencing rejection from members of her family and church. She said that eventually she came back to church, committed her life to Christ and started to translate her pain into purpose.

There were similar stories throughout the two-hour forum, all with one common theme: The church, the one place that should represent the epitome of love, was often the most uncaring and unsafe place for these individuals when they were at their most vulnerable. Bishop Kwabena Rainey Cheeks, the openly gay pastor of Inner Light Ministries, a nondenominational church in Washington, bluntly declared that "the most dangerous place for a gay and lesbian person is the black church."

Moore listened intently as people shared their experiences, often taking notes while they spoke. Toward the end of the event, he reinforced the sincerity of the church's apology by pledging to continue the dialogue and to make concerted efforts to make his ministry more inclusive of members of the LGBT community.

This forum took place at an interesting moment, given evidence that suggests changes in American views on both Christianity and sexuality. A 2009 survey found that while a majority of Americans identified themselves as Christians, that percentage had declined 11 percent since 1990. Christianity faces competition not only from Judaism and Islam, the two other branches that emerged from the Abrahamic religious root, but also from Hinduism and Buddhism—as well as atheism.

One in five Americans surveyed said that they have no religious identity, and one in four said that they did not expect to have a religious funeral. The data confirm what most people have come to understand anecdotally: The country is becoming more diverse religiously, and Americans are becoming more comfortable with this pluralism. Many people who grew up in a particular faith have either eschewed formal religion altogether or embraced an à la carte syncretism, where melding multiple faiths and/or philosophies is covered under the nondescript banner of "spirituality."

Many traditional Protestant African-American churches have taken the fire-and-brimstone approach to preaching about sexuality and the LGBT community. Interestingly enough, this tactic rarely gets deployed for many of the other "thou shalt not"s that are enshrined in the Bible. In truth, many Christians have cloaked their personal revulsion to homosexuality in a thin veneer of religiosity.

While it may reinforce some people's sense of self-righteousness, shrouding hatred in Scripture makes for bad doctrine and even worse evangelism. Jesus built his ministry by spreading the gospel to people who were scorned by society. In addition to healing lepers and restoring sight to the blind, Jesus was criticized by the contemporary religious rulers for associating too closely with individuals they deemed unworthy.

Although the image of a preacher declaring eternal damnation resonates with many members of the LBGT community, not all churches have taken this position. A recent New York Times article cited U.S. Census Bureau data indicating that child rearing among same-sex couples is more common in the South than in any other part of the country, and found eight churches in Jacksonville, Fla., that openly welcome gay worshippers. It remains to be seen, however, to what extent the recent forum and the demographic trends in historically conservative regions foreshadow a broader shift in black churches' attitudes toward gays and lesbians.

The benefits of such a dialogue are not confined to Christians or members of the LGBT community. For years, the black church has been criticized for its lack of action in the fight against the spread of HIV and AIDS in the African-American community. This was undoubtedly in part because of doctrinal dissonance between messages about safe sex and HIV prevention, and biblical positions on the prohibition of sexual intimacy outside of a marital context. Regardless of the reasons, the outcome has been a deafening silence from one of the black community's most effective institutions for social change.

Washington, D.C., has the nation's highest rate of HIV and AIDS, and men who have sex with men are disproportionately affected by the disease. The black church cannot continue to be silent on such a critical health issue. Thankfully, other institutions have stepped in to fill the void. In 2009 the D.C. Department of Health provided on-the-spot STD testing during the orientation for the city's nationally recognized summer youth-employment program. In addition, many nonprofit organizations are dedicated to providing health education and services to residents of the District and surrounding jurisdictions. Even with the valiant efforts of these organizations, our communities would be even better off if the power of all institutions in civil society were harnessed for collective good.

Faith leaders should not shy away from confronting issues that affect both the spiritual and material condition of their communities. The church should be a place where all people, especially those who are hurting and vulnerable, can come to experience God's love and grace. This should be true regardless of race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, political affiliation or sexual orientation. In the same sense, critics must understand that pastors have an obligation to maintain fidelity to both the letter and spirit of the Scriptures, even in the face of changing social mores and religious pluralism.

The tension between black churches' theological stances on homosexuality and their central principle of "whosoever will, let him come" is something that churches must address honestly and lovingly in moving forward.

Delano Squires is a contributor to Black and Married With Kids and a graduate student in social policy at George Washington University. Follow him on Twitter.

Light a Candle

2010-11-07T13:29:00.000-08:00

The joy of candlelight can be very comforting, helping you to relax and cope with a world that can be both frustrating and painful.

I recently got a call from my friend Ben, who asked if I could make some time for one of his friends who really needed to talk. Ben stated his friend was having some issues dealing with the rejection from his family and friends regarding his sexuality.

I suggested that he refer his friend to one of the local affirming churches and have him speak with the pastor, beside, I said, “I’m busy with work and going to school full time, and I really could not fit it into my schedule.” However Ben pleaded, so I gave in, thinking to myself that I needed a short distraction from the books. I told him that I was not sure that I could help, however I was willing to listen.

Ben’s friend and I met for a bite to eat the next day. After we ordered our meal, I told him that wanted to make him aware that I was there with a willing heart to listen. However, I was not sure I could offer any words that would help. I advised him that whatever I said today, he would have to make the final decision regarding his situation.

Our meal came and I blessed the food and began to eat.
“Do you pray a lot?” he asked?
“Not as much as I need to,” I said.
“I hardly ever pray,” he responded.
“Maybe you should, it may help your situation.”
“What do you mean?”
I smiled, and suggested, “Why don’t you start with your story.”

He shared that he had recently revealed to some family members that he is gay and is very angry and frustrated with their reactions. Their rejection of him was making him angry at the world. He is angry because he feels that his family and friends should accept him as he is. He has not been sleeping much, and that the situation is causing great stress.

When I asked him why he feels that he should be accepted, he stated, “Because they are my family. They should accept that I am this way because God made me this way.”

“Ok, help me to understand. Are you angry that your loved ones will not accept that you are an SGL man? Or are you angry that they refused to accept that God created you the way you are?
He looked at me confused and a little agitated, and replied. “Ben told me you might be able to help me deal with this, not make things more confusing and frustrating.”

I apologized to him, and let him know that in no way was I trying to confuse him or make things more frustrating. “However the key to dealing with your frustration is finding out the root causes, and addressing them.” I asked, “How long ago was it that you embraced this truth about yourself?”

“One month ago.”
“And how did you handle it when you accepted your truth?”
“At first, I was angry.”
“Interesting,” I said. “And when did you share this news with your family?”
“One week ago?”

“OK, so based on your reaction to what you have accepted about yourself, why are you so surprised to their reaction of what you have revealed?”

He sat absolutely still and was speechless.

“Listen to me,” I said. “Uncontrolled anger and frustration won’t better your situation, but being sympathetic and understanding will. The compassion you need from some of your family members, maybe the same compassion that some of your family members need from you. Being gay not only affects you, it can affect family members too. Sometimes they need time to adjust. You see, once we start to love and accept ourselves for who we are, we can offer help. Once we understand ourselves, we begin to operate from a posture of compassion and concern. We start to look to our loved ones not with bitter frowns, but with extended hearts.”

“We have to realize that the lights are out, and a lot of your loved ones are stumbling in the dark trying to deal with to this new part of you. So instead of being angry, try something different like lighting a candle and let your family see you as a wonderful act of God’s mercy.”

"You were chosen to tell about the wonderful mercies of God, who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. To tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you - from nothing to something, from rejected to accepted" 1 Peter 2:9 (The Message)

"I've been there"

2010-11-01T19:48:00.000-07:00

You've barely dipped a toe into Matthew's gospel when you realize Jesus hails from the Tilted-Halo Society. Rehab was a Jericho harlot. Grandpa Jacob was slippery enough to warrant an electric ankle bracelet. David had a personality as irregular as a Picasso painting—one day writing psalms, another day seducing his captain's wife. However, did Jesus erase his name from the list? Not at all.

Why did Jesus hang his family's dirty laundry on the neighborhood clothesline?

Because you and I both know that your family has some too; The dad who never came home. The brother strung out on drugs. The incest committed by an uncle. The gay brother, sister or child pushed away into the pit of loneliness.

If your family tree has bruised fruit, then Jesus wants you to know "I've been there."

The phrase" I've been there" is in the chorus of Christ's theme song. To the lonely, Jesus whispers, "I've been there." To the discouraged and broken-heart, Christ nods his head and sighs, "I've been there."

“Jesus had to enter into every detail of human life.” Hebrews 2:17 MSG

Sometimes I

2010-10-24T19:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I hide behind the term “Same-Gender-Loving” because the word “Gay” has such negative conations. Sometimes as invisible as we are to the world as black men, we are even more invisible to Black America as SGL men.

Sometimes I know that I, a Same-Gender-Loving individual am an aspect of God’s creations that many people do not yet understand. Sometimes, I don’t understand.

Sometimes I hide behind the postings that I use to inspire you. As positive as they are, at times I get very exhausted trying to inspire others, often finding my self emotionally drained.

Sometimes I think about loving someone and falling in love again. Sometimes real love can be the mirror that will keep away the ones who lie about commitment.

Sometimes I crave deep meaningful, spiritual relationship with someone who is comfortable with God and with himself. Someone with whom I can hold tight through the night, I can pray with in the morning. Sometimes I yearn for the intimacy that I once found in the arms of a stranger that was lost the moment I told him to go away.

Sometimes the fear of growing old, alone inspires me to do and accomplish things I never knew I could. My human fears are the catalyst in which God has chosen as the avenue to glorify Him. However, Sometimes, I feel that God’s love is not enough. Sometimes, I break God’s heart. Sometimes it’s intentional. Sometimes I ask for forgiveness… Sometimes I don’t want forgiveness. Sometimes I rebel. Sometimes I scream.

Sometimes, I take life too seriously; sometimes I do not take it seriously enough. Sometimes I miss my twenty-year friendship; Sometimes I hate that I …, Sometimes I love… Sometimes I smile; Sometimes I…

Sometimes I sit at God’s feet and ask Him “why?” Sometimes I ask God for a life-long partner. Sometimes I wonder why I expect so much. Sometimes I wonder why I give so much.

Sometimes my skin is hungry and needs to be touched. Sometimes I crave the tender kiss, the passion, and the intimacy of a heartbeat next to mine. Someone who will allow me to satisfy his itch… or one whom will satisfy mine.

Sometimes I hide. Sometimes I crave. Sometimes I pray. Sometimes I hurt. Sometimes, I just smile…and Sometimes I.

Eddie Long, sinner number one? I don't think so.

2010-10-17T15:32:00.000-07:00

I often wonder if I have joined the ranks of arm-chair bloggers, helping to create a generation of critics instead of leaders. It is easy to voice my personal opinion; Hey, I created this blog. I have creative freedom to write what I want. However while I have that freedom, I still must be careful not to judge.

Do you judge? And if so, do you have all the facts? What are you hiding? Are the details of your own personal life so pure and admirable that they be revealed to the world? Are you a homosexual? Are you a heterosexual? Are you a pedophile? Do you beat your mate? Have you ever committed a sin?

Are you quick to blame or rejoice when someone else makes a mistake, or better yet, when someone else’s sin is revealed to the entire world? Are you someone who is so perfect that you seek perfection in everyone in your life? In your parents, siblings, boss, mate, yourself?

There is an African American pastor who is prominent in the news. He has had several heinous accusations made against him. Some of these accusations may be true and some may be false. I’m not sure if it really matters to most people whether it's true or not; most people just need a reason to judge. However who are we to judge?

It is very easy to see how these accusations could tear this church and the community apart. Any good that God has done through this church will be swept under the carpet, to be long forgotten. We so often find it easy to put more faith in man than we do in God. The end result is disappointment. Major disappointment. However this feeling of disappointment could not be about who we are, it’s more about who we think we are. We are a special, special generation of “perfect” people.

The last time I attended the pastor’s church, my heart was filled with the Holy Spirit. He preached a word that my heart was yearning to hear. My acceptance of the word he preached wasn’t blocked from me because of my sexuality; nor did the Holy Spirit show any favoritism. I was truly blessed.

I had heard quite a few times that this minister may be a homosexual. I ignored the comments as rumors. However rumor or truth, I have no need for him to admit anything publicly. I will not receive any kind of affirmation, vindication, spiritual advancement or justification if he admits that the accusations are true.

There is an important issue, something that has been pushed back deep within the shadows behind all of the titillating “news” about this prominent pastor: Is this uproar about homosexuality, or human sexuality? Is it possible that the accused and his accuser entered into this situation consensually? Must the accused be held accountable, yet his accusers not held accountable?

It’s interesting how we as people never learn and just don’t get it. Here in this new millennium, we, like the people of the biblical times, are standing in a crowd, feeling swept up in the swirling fervor, screaming, “Crucify Him!” “Crucify Him!”

None of us are perfect. Each one of us continues to sin daily. What has happened to us? What is it that hinders us from forgiving each other? What is it that hinders us from looking critically and deep at the person in the mirror?

Ask yourself what would happen if your deepest secret was revealed to the world. Or, are we all so perfect that we have forgotten our own past offenses?

I don’t think so. Count me oh Lord, as sinner number one.

Tyler Clementi Rutgers Student Death

2010-10-03T19:03:00.000-07:00

I wonder if the former roommate of Tyler Clementi feels accountable about the fact that Tyler has committed suicide.

According to News@MWZA.com: "Tyler Clementi was a freshman at Rutgers University, who recently committed suicide after his roommate and another friend streamed a live webcast of Tyler and another male student engaging in sexual activities.

Recent reports have been made that Tyler complained to a dorm advisor and other school officials about the webcast before he jumped off the George Washington Bridge.

Tyler’s body was identified on Thursday after it was found near the Columbia University boathouse. Posts on a Yahoo message board for the gay community revealed that Tyler knew about the webcast and that he was angry at his roommate over the whole situation. However, they gave no indication that he was suicidal.

Tyler said that his dorm advisor seemed to take his complaint seriously, writing on a message board post. However, 15 hours later he jumped into the Hudson River leaving only a small note on is Facebook account about it all.

The spokesman for Rutgers university has not made any statements concerning the situation, only saying that an investigation was currently taking place."

We all must realize that our actions have consequences, and we must be held accountable for them. The action of Tyler’s roommate has caused a negative reaction. A Family is faced to deal with the loss of a son. The world once again is faced with the fact that another young gay man was bullied. What is the result of that bullying? Another gay man has taken is life. Gay or straight, we all must be respected.

A Missed Opportunity

2010-09-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

Hello fellow blogger, it’s been a while since I have posted on my site. I have seriously considered taking this “Lover of our Souls” site down, however after I re-read some of the comments from my readers and fellow bloggers, I know that there are a lot of people who enjoy reading my blog; I have to admit, including me.

The reason for this post is the story in the news regarding Pastor Eddie Long. It is quite interesting, don’t you think. I have to admit that based on the accusation one can’t help but come to some sort of conclusion. However; I have asked myself, “Does it matter what I think, or whether or not I believe the story is true?” No it does not. I made a point to stay tuned in to CNN news because I find this story to be very interesting, however; I am careful not to pass judgment on Eddie Long or his accusers, despite what is being reported. Beside, I’m not in any position to judge anyone; none of us are.

One thing we all have to admit is that this not only affects Eddie Long and the young men who are accusing him, this also affects their families, the church and our African American community.

As a resident of the Atlanta area, I often visit Pastor Long’s church and enjoy his preaching. At times I have felt what I thought was the Holy Spirit, nudging me to join. However; I did not do it. Why? It had nothing to do with me being a same gender loving man, nor did it have anything to do with what Pastor Long has preached about homosexuality. I just wasn’t sure if my motivation was pure emotion from hearing such a wonderful sermon, or if God was telling me that this was the church to make a home. Whatever it is, I have to admit that lately I have not been close enough to God to make an informed decision as to what God is telling or wanting me to me to do. I can’t even say that this post is something God has placed on my heart.

When I tuned in to CNN’s broadcast of the Eddie Long story it was said that Eddie Long would have a press conference regarding the issues surrounding these allegations. That surprised me just a bit, because I knew that if he spoke from the pulpit he would have more control over what could be said, instead of being in front of the media where he could be asked a million questions. I did not make it a point to tune into the New Birth Church’s televised service on Sunday, nor was I planning to attend in person. Beside I knew a lot of people (non-members) were going to be attending the service just to hear what Pastor Long had to say. As if he owed them some sort of entertainment or exclamation.

According to CNN when Pastor Long spoke it was short and straight to the point. He stated, “There have been allegations and attacks made about me. I have never in my life portrayed myself as a perfect man. That’s not me! That’s not me!” He followed up with, “Upon advice from [legal] counsel, I’m not going to address the allegations.” He then left the room, without answering any questions.

If one were to examine his words, he made it clear that he is not a perfect man. So, what if Pastor Eddie Long announced that he is a same-gender-loving man? What impact would I have on you? What impact would it have on the African American community? What impact would it have on the African American church?

I spoke with a friend briefly today regarding Eddie Long’s story, and he shared something that I thought was quite interesting and profound. He stated, "what if these words would have been declared by Pastor Long’s as he stood in the pulpit."

“I have never in my life portrayed myself as a perfect man. And I thank God that he has allowed someone like me to lead so many souls to Christ, however; I have struggled for many years and I have to admit that I am a homosexual.”

Can you image the impact these words would or could have had on millions of people who feel that they have to be perfect to come to Christ? Can you imagine the glory God would get from the truth being uttered in front of millions of people? Can you image the tremendous benefits if people believed that God can use anyone, even a homosexual? Sure, there would be people leaving the church; I say, let those perfect people find a perfect church. However; just imagine the door that would have opened for people who often feel that because of their sexual orientation that they are not worthy to come to Christ and to be loved by Christ?

To the accused and the accusers, I say. Come together, talk, forgive one-another and please open your eyes to this situation that could welcome millions of souls that are aching for the love of Christ.

Wow! What a missed opportunity.

Prophecy Fulfilled

2009-12-13T19:53:00.000-08:00

All throughout eternity and from the moments Jesus was born into this world, His thoughts were focused on me. On an African American, SGL individual. That is why, in His final moments, He was determined to fulfill prophecy? He knew I would doubt. He knew I would question. And since He did not want my head to keep His love from my heart, He used His final moments to offer proof that He was my Messiah.

As I stood and watched Him be crucified, He looked up to God the Father and said. Now my Father, this “Black Gay Man knows that you love him.” His final words, “My Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.”

A Lo ve That Never Fails

2009-11-02T12:22:00.000-08:00

Some of you are so thirsty for this type of love. A love that never fails. Those who should have loved you didn’t. Those who could have loved you didn’t. You were left at the hospital. Left at the altar. Left with an empty bed. Left with a broken heart. Left with your question “Does anybody love me?”

Please listen to heaven’s answer. God loves you. Personally. Powerfully. Passionately. Others have promised and failed. But God has promised and succeeded. He loves you with an unfailing love. And his love—if you will let it—can fill you and leave you with a love worth giving.

So come. Come thirsty and drink deeply.

2009-10-26T16:39:00.000-07:00

Ralph Lauren Jeans

Dark as a chocolate Hershey bar
He starred silently out the window
Admiring a scenic view
That paled in comparison to the
Magic that danced in his eyes.

He wore a pair of Ralph Lauren jeans
That clung to his body
Like lovers cling to each other
On a moonlight walk.

The breeze coming through the window
Caused his shirt to sway
Around his motionless well toned body
As if in celebration of being close to him.

Quietly
I stood in the shadow of the moment
Wishing that I possessed
The aura of evening’s Beauty
That held him
Spellbound.

I envied the breeze
That glided across his nipples
And I longed to be
The Ralph Lauren Jeans
That danced
So close around his
Magic.

The Wrong Places

2009-10-18T15:02:00.000-07:00

Am I asking the wrong questions? Or am I searching for truth in the wrong places?

Are you a false person? Are you truly who you say you are? If so, why are you so lonely? Please forgive my boldness, but why are you alone? Tell me; your god and my God, is that the same person? Are you truly spiritual? Or was that just a ploy to make it appear that we have something in common? Are you truly as vain as you appear to be, or am I being a bit too judgmental?

When you tried to kiss me, did you expect me to turn away? You said you’re not all about sex, but sex has been the topic of your every conversation. What happens when your sexual appetite is hungry for something new and different? Are your relationships based on how satisfied you are sexually? Is this the reason why you’re lonely? Please forgive my boldness again. Is that the reason you are alone?

You said tonight you want to give me your body. But like the song says, what happens “when the night hits the morning sun?” Will your love and caring for me fade? Will there be any intimacy—or just sex? Should I be happy and look forward to waking up next to you? Or will I awake to find you gone.

Can you truly love one man, or do you need a host of men to define your worth? Are you dealing with the painful process of longing for someone or something left behind, or are you dreaming of what’s ahead? Is your desire to be happy, all about your happiness and less about mine? Do I really fit into the equation or am I just someone you want to check out. Your statement to me of “Man, I wonder, do you look as good out of your clothes as you do in them?” makes me question your intentions toward me.

What if you taste me, like it and want to come back for more? Will you be upset when I tell you that I don’t like the way you taste, or the way you smell, or the way you kiss? Will this bruise your ego? Will this ruin your chances of happiness? Or am I just a pawn on your chessboard? A challenge? A conquest? A prize? A truth revealed?

What if, the moment after you offered me that hell-of-a-body you’re so proud of, I told you the truth: You’re a nice guy, but—like colors and whites–we don’t mix. You don’t stimulate me and you don’t challenge me. Will you recover from my harsh words? Do you remember your own words? “I’ve never been turned down.”

Will you ever get over that fact that you recently met a man who looked you right in your eyes and said, “Sorry man, you and me, it will never happen”?

Tell me, am I asking the wrong questions? Or are you searching for something or someone in the wrong places?

Jerri's Journey

2009-10-05T16:29:00.000-07:00

Saturday, Sept 26th, I got a disturbing call from my mother informing me that my sixteen-year-old niece had been rushed to the hospital. She had fainted while attending a party. In the ambulance on the way to the hospital, her heart stopped beating, but the paramedics were able to revive her. Once at the hospital, she was attached to a respirator. According to the doctors, she suffered from “Ventricular Fibrillation.” I can only imagine how rough things were for her mother. Especially to learn that your child heart has stopped and she may be brain dead.

After getting this disturbing call, I stopped what I was doing to pray. At that moment I remembered the book I was currently reading. “Wherever You Go, There You Are.” The book’s message is beneficial: Focus and meditate on the present moments in your life. In that moment of silence and prayer, my mind and every fiber of my being was focused on my niece Jerri and my prayer for her. I remembered that when she was born she had some congenital heart defects; however that was no longer important. What was important? The here and now. My prayer was, “Lord, she’s only sixteen, please heal her.” She is good kid, a good student, good daughter, and has a wonderful child-like quality, even at the age of sixteen. I have to admit, my prayer had a specific motive and a purpose. It was intended to go from my heart, to Jesus’ heart, to the God the father, the Supreme Infinite Source who answers all prayers.

As I prayed, nothing about my prayer represented my physical or mental state or status in this life. Everything about my prayer said to God, “I’m not worthy, however; Please don’t ignore my prayer.” The prayer was simply from a man whose heart was in tears for his niece. Whose heart was aching for his love ones. A man who has the faith to know that God can heal and work out this situation for His glory. What was the purpose of my prayer? I was not sure she was saved, and I could not imagine her or anyone else in my family spending eternity in darkness. This was my prayer’s purpose, and the moment it was released, my prayer was on a specific journey.

I called a few friends to inform them what was going on and ask them to please pray for my niece. Later, I searched the Internet travel web sites, for a plane ticket to get home to comfort my sister. However I was reminded that prayer works from any location. I picked up the phone, called my sister. What was in the tone of my voice? Firm sincerity. I had approached God's throne room with confidence and I needed her to do the same. I suggested that she wipe her eyes and go into that hospital room and comfort her daughter. Hold her hand, rub on her arms and whisper in her ears that everything is going to be fine, and that we are all here waiting for her to come back.

No one can begin to imagine what Jerri had been through. Her journey started that morning; I’m sure with happy thoughts of hanging out with her friends and having a good time at this party. She went from fainting at a party, to being rushed to the hospital, to her heart stopping, to being declared brain dead. The journey she took was not one of her own choosing. I can only imagine the journey her mother was forced to take as she heard this disturbing news of her daughter being rushed to the hospital.

Jesus did something similar. However His journey to die on the cross was planned. Jesus died on purpose. No surprises. No hesitations. No faltering. There is a story in the way a person dies. The way Jesus marched to his death leaves no doubt; He came to earth for this moment. To die for you and me.

It is possible that maybe my niece Jerri was born for this moment? To wake our souls from this sleep. To help those in our family who were not aware of what God can do. Maybe this was God’s plan, which He formed long ago; He knew what would happen to Jerri. However, He also knew what would happen because of our prayers.

I am truly blessed that God set aside this moment in eternity to listen to our prayers. It was not about the words released from my mouth, but more about curing the agony in my heart for those whom I love so much—for my sister who was dealing with the possible loss of her child, and for my niece who was standing at death’s door. We all have have to thank God for Jerri’s journey. It has reconfirmed God’s love for us and strengthened our faith in Him.

The result of our prayers was that my sweet niece Jerri opened her eyes at about 2am that Sunday morning.

Jerri’s unplanned journey. Wow. Is one of God’s wonderful miracles. Amen.

An accidental cut or a self-inflicted wound?

2009-09-27T17:47:00.000-07:00

It has been said that we see God that way we see ourselves. Maybe this is the reason some of us find it so easy to push Him away when things are not going as well as we want, or as well as we think things should go. What happens is we become disappointed and turn our own away. Why? Because some of us may feel that He has not, or is not willing to meet our needs. So what do we do? We kick Him out. However, can we ever really kick God out?

When I was younger, my kid brother would bug the heck out of me, always wanting to hang out with me or follow me around. As much as I yelled at him, or pushed him away, the little pest would just continue to bug me. Sometimes it drove me crazy. Even when I thought I had ditched him, I would look around—and there he was again! This is exactly how God was with me. Hanging around me all the time, and, in my own way, I treated Him like I treated my kid brother. I started to ignore him. How did I ignore him? Any way I possibly could. Sometimes I got into situations that were painful. I was not a hellion. However, I would quietly seek out painful situations. The more the pain, the better. All I wanted to do was to stifle the sound of His voice. There was nothing accidental about this. It was all self-inflicted.

The way I was thinking, I had heard enough about how God felt about homosexuals, and I was not going to be a part of a religion that taught hatred. As much as I wanted to be with God and to be a Christian, it had to be on my terms, not God’s. There was no way in the world was I willing to become one of those, bible thumping, ‘Honk-if-you-love-Jesus’, kind of Christian.

God quickly let me know that my thinking was all wrong. His words to me were, “When you’re ready to come to me, just come. But come to me correctly. Come to me with all your junk, all your habits, and all your mistakes, all messed up, all confused. I promise, whatever you are going through, I will take care of it.”

Believe me; years ago I was going through a lot. I was always a very quiet kid, and grew up to be very aloof. So I suffered in silence. As previously stated, I had heard many lies about how much God hates homosexuals, which really did a number on my mind. From that point, I decided that I was the worst person in the world. I felt that no normal remedy could save me. However; what I learned about that is, thinking you’re the most horrible person in the world is no different that thinking you’re the best. It’s giving yourself a place in the universe you have not earned.

I have to thank God for enlightening my heart with these words, He said. “I understand the pain you have as a black, gay man, and I love you.” I have to tell you, these words were a joy for my ears to hear and a salve to my wounded heart.

He also opened up my mind to the understanding of the torn curtain. The curtain, represents Jesus body. What happened to the flesh of Jesus, also happened to the curtain. What happened to His flesh? It was torn. Torn by the whips, torn by the thorns. Torn by the weight of the cross and the points of the nails.

Don’t spend your life in pain. Don’t accidentally separate yourself from God because of your sexuality. Don’t inflict pain on yourself by denying Him the opportunity to show you how much he truly loves you.

Be comforted in knowing, that in the horror of Jesus’ torn flesh, we same-gender-loving individuals will find the splendor of an open door.

Comfort

2009-09-20T13:45:00.000-07:00

I think I may have given this week’s posting too much of myself and too little spiritual inspiration. Are you ready? Here are my thoughts:

In my efforts to identify a topic that will inspire you, one word flashed in my head repeatedly: comfort. My blog’s goal is to offer comfort, and my book, Lullabies of Mercy, is subtitled “Comfort for the African American, Same-Gender-Loving Person. Having its own agenda, this word decided to take up residence in my mind and became permanently etched in my brain. I researched the word “comfort” and I found the synonyms: enjoyment, exhilaration, satisfaction, relief, repose, happiness, peacefulness, pleasure, compassion, and snugness.

Recently while getting dressed to go the gym I was propelled into a moment that left me feeling almost paralyzed. This moment just snuck upon me and smacked me cold. In this moment, millions of clear petals started to fall from some invisible, blossoming tree. I realized that I was powerless against these petals; I could not stop them from falling. I picked up the phone to call a close friend but changed my mind and tossed the phone across the room in frustration. I realized that although he could offer comfort, he did not have a willing heart. I jumped up to change my now drenched shirt, tied my sneakers, wiped my face and headed out to the gym.

On my way to the gym, I wondered, “What was that?! What triggered that?!” Then the word came to me again, “Comfort.” A small voice whispered to me, “You’re in need of comfort.” “Hmm, interesting,” I thought. “Comfort.”

After I left the gym, I drove around making a mental list of things that offer me comfort. To my surprise, at the top of my list was sex. I had to be honest. I was craving sex. However; I knew I needed more than just the sexual activity; I wanted caring, affection and passion. My skin was hungry and needed to be touched. Yet; even with vast, relentless demands of this craving I knew I only wanted this comfort from a certain person. The person that I’m in love with, sadly, he does not exist.

There is a certain level of comfort that can be gleaned after sex. Nevertheless, the issue I have is that I seem to have developed unfathomable mental barriers that only allow me to have sex with the person I love or with whom I have made a firm commitment. Interestingly, my heart has to know that the feelings are mutual before my body can fulfill the actions.

Bottled up in me was something that I was willing to offer and something I so greatly crave. Something deep inside that had no immediate possibility for expression or consummation. Maybe it was this need for comfort which allowed the invisible blossoming tree to grow. Maybe this is the reason I was so powerless at the moment the petals fell. This moment actually forced me to reach out beyond myself for something my heart so yearned for. Somehow, I was able to get a tight grip on it. Maybe I had nothing to do with getting a hold on it; maybe the releasing of the petals offered my body its own temporary relief. I now can see that my need for comfort was much stronger than my craving for sex.

However; I’m still yearning, craving, for the man of my imagination and strangely; I wonder, if this perfect figment of my imagination yearns for me too. How can a figment of one’s imagination yearn? My mind still speaks, “I seek the comfort that only you can give. I’m holding back. Keeping it bottled up.” Will you come to me? Will you satisfy my skin’s hunger? Will you let me taste you? Will you allow me to explore your body and satisfy that itch? Will you satisfy mine? Afterwards, will you allow me to hold you through the night while the Infinite Source nourish and comfort our soul?

Are you living your own life?

2009-09-13T17:44:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in the future, when the top layer of the river of my life is iced over, ask me about the mistakes I have made. Ask me whether my actions and behavior are my life. Some family and friends have eased their way into my thoughts, and some have tried to help or to hurt; ask me what difference their strongest love or most virulent hate has made. When I speak, will you listen to what I say? You and I can turn and gaze at the silent river and wait. We know the current is there, hidden; and there are comings and goings from miles away that formed the stillness exactly before us. What the river says is what I say.

The question I consider is, “Ask me whether what I have done–my actions and behavior–are my life.” As in the case of the river, it can only function for the purpose for which it was intended to function. For some of you who are reading this entry, these words may appear to be nonsense, possibly nothing more than my creative use of language and logic. If I were to answer the question, I would have to say, “Of course what I have done is my life! I have nothing else to compare it.” However, for other readers, these words, when applied to oneself clearly penetrate the heart and are disquieting.

These words remind me of the moments when I possess the clarity to see that the life I am living is not the same as the life that is yearning to live in me. In those moments, I sometimes catch a glimpse of my true life, a life hidden like the bubbling river beneath the prison of ice. It is then that I wonder, “What am I meant to do? Who am I meant to be?”

When I was younger, I thought and focused a lot about my vocation. Having a good job was important to me. At least until I learned that one’s vocation is not just simply choosing a career; it is listening to your life, and learning what it is truly about. If this is not done your life will never represent anything real in this world.

By all appearances, things were going well with me, but my soul does not put much stock in my appearances. Searching for a path more purposeful than what the world could offer, I started to understand that it is indeed possible to live a life other than one’s own. Fearful that I was doing just that—but uncertain about the deeper, truer life I sensed hidden inside me, uncertain whether it was real or trustworthy or within reach—I would snap awake in the middle of the night and stare for long hours at the ceiling. My first thought was a simple, yet powerful prayer. “Lord, please, have mercy on my soul.”

Why the prayer? I was haunted by the fact that I am a Christian and a homosexual. I was haunted by what I was taught as a kid about Christianity and homosexuality. My own thoughts about these issues did not matter, because when we are young we are taught to listen to everything and everyone but ourselves, to take all our cues about living from the people and powers around us. Some of my thoughts were about myself, God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, happiness, relationships, honesty, monogamy, trust, rejection, fear, intimacy, spirituality, family, and friends. Whether or not I would grow old alone or with someone. Some were unreal, a distortion of my true self—as must be the case when one lives from the outside in, not the inside out. I had simply found a “noble” way to live a life that was not my own, an inauthentic, derivative life spent imitating others instead of listening to my heart.

One thought that stumped me was the thought, I–the act of simply being me—was in the hardest battle of my life. The battle of “Me vs. Me”. I finally concluded, “Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you. Before you tell you life what truths and values you have decided to live up to, let your life tell you what truths you embody, what values you represent.” From this vantage point comes clear wisdom. Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am. I must listen to the truths and values at the heart of my own identity, not the standards from outside by which I must live, but the standards by which I cannot help but live if I am living my own life.

Paraylsis by Analysis

2009-09-06T08:35:00.000-07:00

Some walls you can push through and some you can’t. Breaking through this glass ceiling or this 30-inch invisible wall that I have created is extremely difficult. This became apparent to me about a few months ago when I started my new workout routine. After about two months, I started seeing some good results, however, good was not quite good enough. I wanted more—better results. I felt that I was not getting everything out my workout that I was putting into it.

Recently while grabbing a bite to eat with a friend, he told me that the reason why I’m single is because I needed to lower my standards. Wow. Hmm… “Lower my standards,” he said. I never considered myself as someone with high standards, only a man who knows what he wants and is not willing to settle for less. Part of my standards is not dating every man I meet, and not rushing too fast into a relationship. The last thing I want is something that starts quickly and fizzles out even faster. I don’t want to wake up one night, look over, and realize that I don’t particularly like the man who is lying in bed next to me. As I previously stated, good enough is not quite enough. I need more

Ok, back to this glass ceiling/invisible wall. I recently stumbled across it, like one might stumble across some old, forgotten item tucked away in the closet. You know what I mean, something that you could really benefit from, but because of procrastination you never took the time to dig it out from the closet and realize its benefits.

When I think about this glass ceiling/invisible wall, which is hindering my growth, I feel frustrated. I can stand in front of this barrier as if looking into a mirror, and see the benefit staring back at me. However, I can’t seem to break through. In this mirror I am a shy/frightened kid standing in front of a teacher. Who slams his ruler down on his desk in frustration, saying to me, “Will you answer the question please?! What is the difference between an accidental cut and a self-inflicted wound?!” I stand there knowing to answer, yet afraid to speak. Hence, it is my own procrastination and lack of commitment that are holding me back.

Negative, piercing words of bondage are swirling around my head. At the same time, sitting on the counter is a glass jar full of ideas, which have matured into butterflies of endless possibilities and accomplishments. A few of them escaped some time ago and freed me from the bondage of my self-inflicted closet.

What great liberation I have found in this freedom. I seek that same liberation in other areas of my life. The urge for this freedom is so close I can taste it. I know that lodged deep within this freedom is the power to accomplish great things. However, the barrier that is hindering me is my paralysis by analysis.

I analyze things and analyze and analyze. Not to the point of fear, but to the point of exhaustion, this at times may seem to me like fear. What happens then is that I throw in the towel and come up with some half-assed rationale that “It’s really not worth it anyway.”

Yet, I know it’s worth it. Somewhere deep within me I feel that if I break all bonds that give weight to me, I will cease to be accountable. What does being accountable do for me? It allows me to honestly evaluate my experiences, it forces me to face the reality of my world rather than avoid it. It helps me to affirm who I truly am while utilizing the freedom to continually develop honestly as a person.

This accountability, which is woven within the tapestry of my true self, is the catalyst which ignites my paralysis by analysis. So please tell me, can one truly exist without accountability? I however; can not.

I Love Me Some Him!

2009-08-30T18:04:00.000-07:00

Recently, while driving home from work I uttered the words to myself, “I no longer have the desire to date.” Strange, I wondered why I uttered these words. It’s not like I’ve dated a lot, nor do I have any recent bad dating experiences.

A few nights ago, I was watching one of my favorite movies. “P.S. I Love You.” (I’m a sucker for a romantic comedy. Also, I made an agreement with myself that I would smile and laugh every day. I like to watch sitcoms or movies that make me laugh; it’s very healthy.)

Any-who, in the middle of watching this movie, the words that I had uttered in my car a couple of days ago began to echo through my mind with all kinds of interesting implications. My inner self started talking to me, stating. “Man, you are so stupid. You’re just not aware of the passion and potential that is hidden within your desire to date. You cannot let go of that desire.”

I’m one of those people who have always been into my head, very cerebral. So I began to have a conversation with myself, which to some might appear to be a bit strange. However; I wanted to see where this was going, so I relaxed and listened. Having a conversation with oneself, as with others, requires listening. My first thought, which I assumed to be a logical one, was “What is the issue with me not dating?” To which my inner voice responded in a loud (and I must say sarcastic tone) to remind me of the words I had previously uttered. You said, “’I no longer have the desire to date.’ You jerk! Get it right and stay with me. Not dating and not having the desire to date are two different things!” I laughed, finding this conversation with myself to be somewhat comical, especially since I use the word “jerk” a lot, when joking with my friends.

What was re-revealed to me by listening to my inner voice is that this is not about dating; this is all about desires. This is not about having a man in my life. It’s all about being the man in my life. Wow. When I heard those words, I smiled. I turned off the TV, blocked out all sounds around me so that I could get more in tune with this wonderful wisdom. It’s was like a buddy said to me, “Hey man, I really need to talk.” My inner voice revealed to me the passions that are deeply rooted within my desires. Deep within my desires are my passions to love and to be loved, to create, to read, to write, to care, to cry, to accept new challenges, to experience new things, to fail and keep trying, to be open to learning, to welcome success and to truly, truly enjoy life.

Most of all, I was recently reminded of what I saw as I looked in the mirror on my birthday. A 6’3”, attractive brotha (I’m wagging my tail now) with passion in my voice, my eyes, my face and in my smile.

Wow. After realizing all of this, all I could do was to sing the song, “I loves me some him!”

What if God asked, What Do You Want Me To Do For You?

2009-08-23T16:54:00.000-07:00

This week's posting is an excerpt from my book, "Lullabies of Mercy." Chapter Six, Tiffany's Story. In this chapter, Tiffany Boudreaux was outed by her pastor during church service. Not only was she outed, but her pastor called her to the front of the church and proclaimed, "In the name of Jesus, you are a lesbian and all lesbians will go to hell." Read more of Tiffany's experience.

"Those words from my pastor echoed in my mind as I drove away from the church. I wondered if he was right. Could be be right? He is a man of God. I was angry and determined to find out for myself what God not man had to say to me, about me.

My anger had not left when I felt the need to pray, but I was being stubborn. I knew that before I could pray, I needed to ask God a few questions. So at the top of my lungs I shouted, "What do You want!? Are you afraid to talk to me because I'm a lesbian!? Are you not willing to touch me or to love me!?

I stopped my car, pulled over to a local parking lot and sat silently for about ten minutes; it seemed like an eternity. Quietly waiting, expecting to hear God speak. However; my quiet time was interrupted by a screeching sound. I looked up and a car coming off the freeway had lost control and was headed toward me. I attempted to start my car to get out of the way, but my car would not start. I jump out of my stalled car and was blinded by...a white Dove?

Sitting next to my bed in the hospital room was a man who was holding my hand. I turned my head to look at him and to my surprise, it was my pastor. He offered a conforting smile and informed me that I had been in a car accident. He leaned over and whispered in my ear, "I'm sorry sweetie, will you please forgive me?" I must have drifted off to sleep, because the next thing I remember, the white Dove is flying around the room. The Dove hovered over my bed. In a moment, I felt my spirit being gently lifted out of my body. I reached out and instantly, I am on the wings of this dove. I looked back and I still see myself alseep in the hospital bed, my pastor still holding my hand.

I saw myself awaken to what appears to be the most comfortable place I had ever imagined. A path which led me to Jesus.

Jesus greeted me with a hug. He smiled and said, "Tiffany, there was no need to yell."

Confused, I said, "Yell? What do you mean?"

"In the car," He said, "You were yelling."

"Yeah, I was angry," I said.

"I Know. I could feel your pain."
"Tell me," He said, "What do you want Me to do for you?"

I was silent, speechless. The Creator of the world was asking me, a lesbian. 'What do you want?" He did not want to discuss anything else except that which He knew was already in my heart. Tears began to travel over my cheeks, passing the corners of my mouth until they dropped off the edge of my chin into His hands. I looked at Him and spoke. "I just want the truth. People tell me that You hate all homosexuals. Will You tell me the truth?"

Jesus said, "Walk with Me and let Me tell you My truth." We walked quietly not speaking a word through the beauty and comfort of heaven, until we reached a big tree at the edge of a cliff. Christ sat down with His back against the tree trunk and asked me to sit next to Him. As I sat down, He gave me a cup from His had and asked me to drink. The water from this cup filled me spiritually with the innermost longings that were deep within my soul. I leaned back on His chest and I could feel His heartbeat. His love for me was so strong that my body sanked into His presence. He wrapped His arms around me and held me close.

Jesus said to me. "Tiffany,..."

WOW, How did I get here?

2009-08-16T17:18:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been getting agitated with a few people at my place of employment, two females, and one male. It seems, however, that I have been able to resolve all issues with the two females, yet I have not seemed to resolve the issues with the male. Why?

Recently this guy and I had a situation that occurred at work and I choose to go to Human Resources and report it, mainly because I did not feel that my manager took the appropriate action to make sure the situation was resolved. After speaking with HR about the situation, HR scheduled a meeting with this man, my manager, the HR rep, and me. I was pleased that we were all meeting with HR because I felt that this meeting would send a message to this man and to my manager that they both needed to get their acts together. However, after the meeting, I walked away very disappointed and feeling that I was the “bad guy,” no matter how this man behaved or what my manager failed to do. It appeared that the blame had been shifted to me.

During the meeting, the HR rep asked this guy to apologize, and he did. Although I accepted it, my acceptance of his apology was purely mechanical. I remember I refused even to look at him. I realized that the meeting was just not going the way I had planned. As I stated before, I walked away from the meeting very disappointed.

Later that night I was analyzing the situation. I wondered. Wow, how did I get here? I thought about this man and wondered how I got to this point where just hearing his voice or being in his presence irritated the hell out of me. I wondered why was I not able to resolve our issues and move on. I immediately ruled out sexual tension. I don’t find him attractive. As a black man, he embodied all the things that I strive so hard not to be. From the way he dresses, to the way he speaks, to his non-productive ghetto fabulous attitude, I find it all irritating.

After thinking deeply about this situation I realized, it’s all about me. I am the issue. It’s not that the problems I have had with this guy aren’t valid; it’s all about how I choose to handle them. I know my own job duties well, however; it seemed that I have had to train him to do his job duties repeatedly. This frustration got the best of me and caused me to be counter-productive. My solution, take the necessary steps to get rid of him. However, I wasn’t dealing with one of the most important issues standing in my way—me.

On the surface I always appeared to be calm in all negative situations with this guy, however I was obsessed with being right, with getting my own way. It wasn’t that I wanted to get rid of him, I didn’t even consider him; he really did not matter. There was an unfamiliar, righteous feeling that came over me, and he was in my way. If I had played a role in firing him I’m sure things would have been rough for him and his family.

What’s interesting about trying to get him fired is that I really had it in me to do it. I truly felt this negative power. It would have been so easy to point out his many mistakes. However, I remembered once he gave me the strangest look and in my head I kept seeing him, looking at me so scared, like a kid. This big guy was intimidated, scared and confused. I’ve been there. I’ve been there a lot. It was as if at that moment we weren’t really two different guys, because, somewhere in the universe, we are exactly the same when confronting fear and other emotions we don’t understand.

I wonder why, when it comes to being kind to others, especially with people we don’t like, why are our similarities so hard to remember?

Sand?

2009-08-09T15:39:00.000-07:00

While strolling through a local park, waiting to meet a friend, I had a vision that flashed before my eyes. A vision of me standing in the middle of an hour-glass, painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked.

Falling all around me were drops of sand that represents time, places and possibilities. I reached out to touch this sand and the vision disappeared.

Interesting; tell me what do you think?

STATIC

2009-08-01T10:22:00.000-07:00

Monday after work: I grabbed a bite to eat and begin to clean house. No relaxing for me. My goal; organize my closet. Make some room for the possibilities.

I wonder, what do I really mean? Am I getting rid of the old, just to make room for the new? Or is this a metaphor for something that I sense is developing deep within my subconscious mind? Things that will eventually materialize as part of my reality.

After organizing the closet, my mind seemed empty; I was experiencing some sort of disconnect, maybe even static. I have been communicating a lot lately with my subconscious mind, which connects me to the Infinite Source, the Source which fuels me to do wondrous things. Yet, for some reason, I had this major disconnect/static thing going on. You know; the kind of static you experience when you turn on the TV and you can’t get a clear picture. Maybe my disconnection from the Infinite Source is why I have not updated my blog in about six months.

Whatever disconnect/static was going on in my head, I refused to allow it to stop me, so next, I cleaned the bathrooms, organized the second bedroom, organized my desk, sorted my laundry, and prepared my lunch for the next day. After I finished my household duties, I briefly rested.

Now, strangely, the static was gone. My antennae were working again and my connection to the Infinite Source was restored. My subconscious and I were once again on the same wavelength. My home, much like the inner-workings of me, were now, more organized, serene and better functioning.

I sat listening to the quiet, awaiting the wonderful blessings that are about to be poured on to me. I hope you noticed I said, “Are about to.” Yes, I am about to experience some truly wonderful things. I whispered to my heart and mind, “Get prepared to receive all the wonderful blessings that the Infinite Source has prepared for me. Blessings that are stored up just for me. These blessing are for me only, although there are plenty for everyone.”

I only want what the Infinite Source has stored-up for me. I have often asked myself, How can I have all that will make me happy? I have now found a doorway in my soul that is making available all that I have desired in my life.

I walked to my bedroom into my walk-in closet and noticed that in all my organizing, I had made a room where I never thought room could be. Maybe this is a metaphor that there is enough space in my heart for new possibilities. Whatever they are, the possibilities are endless. I think I have finally gotten rid of all the clutter/blockage that was hindering my happiness.

I smiled. Walked out of the closet (no signifying intended), lit a candle and drifted off to sleep, listening to the wonderful sound of the silence and comforted by the soothing glow of the candlelight.

DIALOGUE IN THE DARK

2009-01-18T13:20:00.000-08:00

Dialogue in the dark is a one hour experience, which will last you a lifetime. It is not an ordinary Exhibition; it is an experience that will awaken your senses, challenge your prejudices, and deepen your self-awareness. Your senses will never be the same.

A Yoke of Kindness

2009-01-11T08:21:00.000-08:00

Farmers in ancient Israel used to train an inexperienced ox by yoking it to an experienced one with a wooden harness. The straps around the older animal were tightly drawn. He carried the load. While the yoke around the younger animal was loose. He walked along side the mature ox; however, his burden was light. Jesus is saying, “I walk alongside you. We are yoke together. I pull the weight and carry your burden.”

As an SGL individual, do you often wonder, how many burdens is Jesus carrying for you that you know nothing about? I am aware of some. He carries my sin. He carries my shame. He carries my eternal debt. However, are their others? Has He lifted fears before I felt them? Has He carried my confusion so that I would not have to? What about those times when I have been surprised by my own sense of peace? Could it be that Jesus has lifted my anxiety onto His shoulders and placed A Yoke of Kindness on mine? Yes, He definitely has.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Matthew 11:29 The MSG

My Review of "Seven Pounds"

2009-01-04T08:22:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to all, over the holiday I had an opportunity to see “Seven Pounds.” As I sat there waiting for the movie to start, I found myself wondering, was my interest in “Seven Pounds” all about the actors? Nope, it was not. While I can appreciate the talent presented by the fine cast, it was not the motivating factor. After I saw the trailer, I was intrigued to discover the aura that surrounds “Seven Pounds.”

In “Seven Pounds” Will Smith plays an IRS agent, with a fateful secret, who embarks on an extraordinary journey to redeem himself by changing the lives of seven strangers. Will’s character appears to be a man confronting immense internal pain and sadness. While the movie moves very slowly, the director gives the viewer subtle hints along the way, hints that could lead the viewer down a path to the right or wrong conclusion. It was during one of these hints, not even halfway through the movie, that I was able to identify the secret aura that surrounds “Seven Pounds.” This is a very emotional movie; it appeared that the only time Will’s character seemed happy was during the flashback scenes. I dare not say too much about the flashback scenes, as I could easily give away the ending.

“Seven Pounds” also stars the beautiful Rosario Dawson as a character with a heart ailment, who Will’s character forms a strong bond with on several different levels. I have to admit I enjoyed this poignant romantic subplot.

I admire Will Smith’s talent; he was a worthy focal point and kept viewers engaged. However, as a moviegoer I sat for two hours watching a movie where it is insinuated that a man is suffering from a terminal illness, engaging in cryptic conversations, humiliated a blind man, lying and misleading others, and hiding a secret—all in the name of supposedly seeking redemption. I’m sure many will flock to the theater to view this movie. As for me, “Seven Pounds” was not a good movie; it was very weighty and a bit disturbing.

Seven Pounds

2008-12-21T20:27:00.001-08:00

During the Christmas holiday, Seven Pounds is definitely a movie I plan to see. Whether I travel home to visit family or stay in the city. I need to check it out, to see what the hype / buzz is all about. Not just because it stars Will Smith. The movie itself appears to be very interesting. Join me and check it out, come back here and share your thoughts, let me know your opinion.

Have a Merry Christmas

Pondering

2008-12-13T22:23:00.000-08:00

1:00 AM in the morning.

I cannot sleep. A quietness within is guiding my thoughts. Sometimes it is good, and sometimes I cannot recognize myself. At times, it leads me to make wise choices about my life and situations in my life. I think about the passion that once burned so hot inside me, and I wonder if it has been replaced by this quietness deep within. What is it? Has something been captured, taken from me, as if my very essence has been drawn out of my body? Has my soul grown weak? On the other hand, is this quietness within me a foundation of strength to keep me sane?

What about happiness? As much as I would like to have a partner, I have become very comfortable being single. Not only comfortable being single, but comfortable not even dating.

Does my happiness depend on another? No matter what I believe, I dare not answer that question. I have to admit, it would make me happy right now to hold someone in my arms to help chase away this… However, I am reminded of the words from a close friend, “You are responsible for your own happiness.” I understand this concept, but for most people it is hard to grasp.

What about love? I have not been in love in a long time, and although I know it is wonderful, I do not remember what it feels like to be loved.

What about passion? What about betrayal? Damn. How did I get here!?

I made love...

2008-12-07T21:11:00.000-08:00

Another Poem from my book that is scheduled to be released April 2009.

I made love…

I made love with another.
I thought of you throughout
I felt the warmness beneath me;
It was you I long to feel
I kissed the lips of my intimate partner
It was the touch of your lips I imagined
I held on tight to my intimate partner
It was a hold with thoughts of you
I caressed and felt the body under me
It was only you I was caressing
I made love with another,
My mind was on you
I made love with another
My heart was with you
I made love with another
While fantasizing
Being with
You.

I made love…

I long for you

2008-11-30T19:46:00.000-08:00

Another poem from my new book scheduled to be released in 2009.

I Long For You

Now that I am here,
Where do I go?
Do I simply exist on
Morbid discontent?

Do I break all bonds?
That gives weight to me.

I long to be in a place
Far beyond here.
A place of peaceful
Light atmospheric conditions.

I long for a place that
Gives me a height
Not
Yet
Known

Long

For

You
Repeatedly
Until
Faded
Out.

I made a choice

2008-11-16T07:39:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we all faced with difficult choices, some of those choices may be easy and some may be extremely painful. When we make choices, we determine the important future events of our life.

If you’re a faithful reader of my blog, I’m sure you have noticed that I have not posted in about three weeks. I’ve been ill. This illness wasn’t because of a cold or a flu; it was more of what I would classify as self-inflicted pain.

Although I did not inflict this pain, I allowed the pain to be inflicted. Based on the recommendation from my doctor I underwent a surgical procedure. My doctor stated that I did not have to have the surgery; however, he clearly let me know and stressed that the surgery would resolve my issues, and help me to live a better more comfortable life. I’m all for living a more comfortably, so I agreed. After doing my own research and asking my doctor about a million questions, I was given pre-op instructions and the surgery was scheduled.

The surgery was performed on an outpatient basis. I made it through with no complications. Afterward I went home to rest, embrace my healing and “comfortable” life. As the anesthesia began to wear off, it seemed to open the doorway for the intense pain to slide right in and set up camp. Believe me, it did. Most of my days and nights were filled with the most excruciating pain my body has ever felt. The pain was so intense that most of my nights were sleepless. The pain medication that the doctor prescribed was ineffective, and the side effects made me with drip with beads of sweat. Some nights the moment I would fall asleep it seemed that my pain had a mind of its own and refused to allow me to rest. It would send, what seemed like, piercing painful shock waves through my body causing me to wake up screaming. What may have sounded like screams of passion to my neighbors, were really screams of pain and agony.

One particular night when I was unable to fall asleep, I found myself falling in and out of consciousness trying to ease my pain through some sort of mathematical equations. With the use of some type of Microsoft software, I found myself trying to narrow down and solve the root cause of my pain using numbers. I must have really been suffering from some strange delusions; however, my pain put a quick halt to that and quickly woke me up.

My pain was so unbearable, that for three days I refused to eat. I forced myself to drink water because I knew I could survive on water alone. I have to thank God for a good friend who was available to help me out and force me to eat. In my prayer time, I convinced myself to thank God for the pain. Somewhere in my mind, I sensed that God knew that I was strong enough to endure my affliction. So even as painful as it was I tried to embrace it.

However, I was not doing a good job.

One week post surgery at my follow-up appointment I explained all my suffering in detail to my doctor. He stated that all was normal; my body was in major shock because it had never experienced such intense pain before. However, he assured me that I was past the worst of it, and things should get better very soon.

The week that followed my doctor’s appointment continued with more intense pain. I could hear the doctor’s words echoing repeatedly in my head: “You’re past the worst of it. Things should get better very soon.” In frustration whenever the pain would hit me, I kept mumbling, “How soon is ‘very soon’ going to get here?” No matter what I did, or how much I tried to relax, my pain for the first time in my life had dominion and complete control of my mind and my body.

I have to admit, these sleepless nights, along with my pain was getting the best of me. Who was I kidding? As I lay in my bed, I realized that I could no more embrace this excruciating pain than I could deny my sexuality. Strangely, the night of this realization, I slept peacefully. For the first time in two-weeks, I was able to sleep without pain. Why, I’m not so sure, was the pain and my sexuality connected? On the other hand, should I ask the question “Is my pain and my sexuality connected?” Even that, I am not sure. Interestingly, the next morning, the moment I opened my eyes my pain resumed, as if to say, “not only am I here to serve a purpose, but also as a reminder.”

However, I am humbled by this experience. I made this choice. I knowingly, accepted this choice based on my Doctor’s recommendation, I opted for a more “comfortable” life, however painful. Years ago, I did the same by coming out to myself, and embracing my sexuality, though I knew it would cause some pain. I made a choice to embrace the person God created. I made a choice not to live in fear, not to live a lie. My choices were only meant to benefit me, although it caused others some pain, it wasn't meant to. However I knew, just like this physical and mental pain, though temporary, these choices would enable me to live a more comfortable life.

Thank God for choices. In addition, thank God for the wisdom and strength to embrace them.

Strong Black Love

2008-11-09T20:22:00.000-08:00

My posting this week is a poem from my new book which should be available April 2009.

I undressed you.
You undressed me.

You lick my nipples.

I bite yours

You moan.

Next
My chest
On
Your chest

I feel your heartbeat pounding
Next to mine.

Wow
I feel our intensity,
When our lips touch.
You whisper,
“Babe, you taste so damn good.”

I smile, "Ditto babe, Ditto."
Our sweat

Is filled with the scent
Of Our

Love for One Another, Our Passion.
Suddenly
Our flesh
Our minds
Our soul
Becomes
One
With
Another
A
Force
Which
Cannot
Be
Penetrated.

But. You. Cheat.

You
Destroy
Our
Strong
Black
Monogamous
Homosexual
Love

Why?

President Elect - Barack Obama

2008-11-04T21:26:00.000-08:00

While we were all celebrating the victory of the first African American (Barack Obama), elected President of the United States of America; I wonder what his thoughts were. Despite the fact that he may have known, he could or would possibly win. What of the final moment when he won? Did he thank America? Did his victory leave him speechless? Did he realize that he is truly making history? Is he aware that this victory not only gives America hope, however, it has and will change Black America forever? On the other hand, did he just pause for a moment, with a tear in his eyes and love in his heart and humbly thanked God for this victory? Change is definitely, in the wind.

Not Feeling Well

2008-11-02T15:14:00.001-08:00

Taking a few weeks off. Dealing with some personal issues.

Will resume posting by 11/09/08.

Hope all have had a good weekend. Please don't forget to vote.

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2008-10-12T15:12:00.000-07:00

Some excellent questions that were asked at the Presidential debate are also questions that I’m sure most of us deal with. “What don’t You Know? And. How will you learn it?”

Life offer many challenges and like Senator Obama stated, “It’s never the challenges that you expect, it’s the challenges that you don’t, that end up consuming most of your time.”

I encounter many challenges in my life. Most of them I try to face head-on and others I’ve come to realize that I have to take a different approach to resolve. Some require prayer, patience, and understanding. While others maybe outside of the realm of my resolutions and will work out all by itself. Still some of my challenges have caught me completely by surprise, while others are a choice.

The most challenging things about these questions are coming to the humbling realization that you may not have all the answers, and sometimes you may make mistakes. However, within human error, it’s not the things we do wrong, it‘s the wisdom that we gained from the challenges that we encounter.

Feel free to share with me.

“What don’t You Know? And. How will you learn it?”

Noah's Arc - Jumping the Broom

2008-10-05T15:47:00.000-07:00

I have to admit I am eagerly awaiting this movie. I was a big fan of the show and I had an opportunity to meet and talk with Jensen Atwood (Wade) in Dallas during the premier of Noah's Arc-the series.

I made time to watch weekly because it was ground-breaking, funny and some of the issues the characters dealt with were real. However, as much as I enjoyed the show, I had hope that the creator-writer Patrick Ian-Polk would have created a character who was-not religious, but spiritual, with a wonderful, positive and witty sense of humor about his life and his hopes for true love.

Any who. After seeing this trailer, this movie will definitely be a hit.

Choice

2008-09-28T15:15:00.000-07:00

Coming up with a weekly posting that will inspire or strengthen Same-Gender-Loving individuals can be difficult. There are times when I sit at my computer mentally constipated, struggling to get out the message within; however, nothing happens. Other times like running water through an uncapped faucet, the message seems to just flow and I am happy to go with it. I allow the message to flow from my mind to fingertips onto the keys of my laptop. At times, I try to examine this struggle, wondering why sometimes I am stumped and other times I am not. Some would call it “writers block.” I refuse to name it, claim it, or acknowledge it. My fear is if I acknowledge it, it may manifest itself into something real.

I remember once my younger sister shared her dream where she was asking Christ why things were not going so well with her, why was she experiencing so many roadblocks. In her dream, Christ took her up into the atmosphere where she could see the whole earth. He told her that she could accomplish anything in this world; however, there is only one thing that is stopping her. She stares as she looked down at the earth. All she saw was clear blue water. Christ told her to look deeper to see the very thing that was hindering her. A few seconds later, her reflection appeared, staring back at her. “There,” he said, “the very thing that is causing you to fail.”

I am the source of my hindrances, and maybe you are the source of yours. Just as the world has isolated Same-Gender-Loving persons in an esoteric group of our own, there are times when I feel isolated in trying to communicate to this group.

It may be true that we are a select group; however, our SGL status is not a factor when it comes to accepting God’s love, conveying His message or sharing something that only He knows will inspire or offer comfort. We, African Americans Same-Gender-Loving people are God’s people too. When I was out of a job, searching and praying for a new one, it had nothing to do with the fact that I’m a homosexual. When I didn’t have enough money to cover the bills, caught a cold, had a flat tire, lost a loved one or even experienced a broken heart—these things had nothing to do with my sexuality. However within each of these things are questions, messages and choices. Will I allow these to hinder my growth? If I’m out of a job, will I stop seeking employment because I am SGL? If I have a cold, will I not seek medicine because I am a homosexual? If my tire is flat, will I fix it regardless of my sexual orientation? If I loose a loved one, as a child of God will I choose to go on?

Most of my postings offer inspiration, while simultaneously offering a message and a choice. It is hard to get through to a group of human being with special needs who have been told they are not worthy of God’s love. However, something deep within me tells me to keep trying.

Whether I’m standing in my own way or plagued with the voices from my childhood that tell me “God hates all homosexuals,” I must remember the message God conveys to me daily, “You are important to Me.” The most wonderful thing about this message is that you don’t have to be a homosexual, heterosexual, black, white, male or female to embrace it. You just have to be willing. God has given you the choice and His love is strong enough that He has given you the freedom to make it.

How Racism Works

2008-09-21T11:52:00.000-07:00

What if John McCain were a former president of the Harvard Law Review?

What if Barack Obama finished fifth from the bottom of his graduating class?

What if McCain were still married to the first woman he said 'I do' to? What if Obama were the candidate who left his first wife after she no longer measured up to his standards? What if Michelle Obama were a wife who not only became addicted to painkillers, but acquired them illegally through her charitable organization? What if Cindy McCain graduated from Harvard?What if Obama were a member of the 'Keating 5'? What if McCain was a charismatic, eloquent speaker?

If these questions reflected reality, do you really believe the election numbers would be as close as they are?

This is what racism does. It covers up, rationalizes and minimizes positive qualities in one candidate and emphasizes negative qualities in another when there is a color difference.

From Letters to the Editor @ Forth Worth Star-Telegram - Kelvin LaFond, Fort Worth

Obama's Silence

2008-09-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was having a conversation with presidential candidate Barak Obama.

In my dream, I could not tell if the conversation was by telephone or in person. Nonetheless, we seemed to be extremely close. I told him that although I am one of his supporters, I was not always. I was not sure he had what it would take to be our president but now I am.

He assured me that he would do a good job as the next president of the United States of America. As we continued to talk, he called my name with strength and care. When I responded, there was a long pause as if he was not sure of what he should say, what he was thinking, or that he was concerned about how I would respond. His last word to me was… “Purple.”

In my dream, I had the impression that the dream was less about him becoming our next president and more about that something that we shared, some strong bond we had in common. What was that bond? Was it the mere fact that we are both African American men, or was it more? Although I am not sexually attracted to him, could there be some strange attraction that has started to surface from deep within my subconscious? Alternatively, does the closeness we shared have to indicate a physical attraction? Maybe our closeness is brotherhood or bondage.

However somewhere in that long pause, I sensed something. Could God be attempting to reveal something to me about biblical prophecy? It is possible God only reveals to me the things that my mind can comprehend. On the other hand, could it be that as a Same-Gender-Loving person I have limited God and my mind only to what my heart desires?

What about Obama’s last word, “Purple”? When I think about the word purple, I think of royalty, the color of Kings. I think there might have been an unspoken message from God that lingered in the silence of Obama’s pause. I could not hear the message because my mind and my heart were flooded with the cares of my world. I could not hear God’s message because I was more attuned to me and not Him.

Maybe, somewhere in the silence was the sound of God’s voice drowning out Obama’s voice. Maybe the connection in my dream that I thought I had with Obama is really the strong connection I have in reality with God.

Do I support really Obama? Is he destined to be our next president? Is he the next best thing to happen to the U.S.? Does the fact the he is an African American man make my decision for me? Am I happy to select an African American for president? Could I just not hear God speaking loudly because I sometimes feel that He does not speak to Same-Gender-Loving people? On the other hand, maybe the message was truly biblical prophecy that God chose to reveal to me. However, I used the fact that I am a Same-Gender-Loving person and Obama’s silence to reject it.

On the other hand, maybe this is one dream I will never understand.

Heaven Knows Your Heart

2008-09-07T07:24:00.000-07:00

Think for just a moment about the things you own. Think about the house you have, the car you drive, the clothes you’ve purchased and the money you’ve saved. Envision all your stuff, and let me remind you of two biblical truths.

Your stuff isn’t yours. Ask any coroner… No one takes it with him. When one of the wealthiest men in history, John D. Rockefeller, died, his accountant was asked, “How much did John D. leave?” The accountant’s reply? “All of it.”

All that stuff—it’s not yours. You know what else about all that stuff? It’s not you. Who you are has nothing to do with the clothes you wear or the car you drive. Jesus said, “Life is not defined by what you have, even when you have a lot” (Luke 12:15 MSG). Heaven does not know you as the fellow with the nice suit or the woman with the big house. Heaven knows your heart.

“Naked a man comes from his mother’s womb, and as he comes, so he departs.” Ecclesiastes 5:15 NIV

Atlanta's Black Pride

2008-09-01T19:16:00.000-07:00

This week posting is not filled with words of inspiring. I spent most of this weekend entertaining a friend who flew in to join the celebration of Black Pride in Atlanta, Ga.

I chose not to join in on the many “festivities.” To me, gay pride has become more about the parties and less about taking pride in oneself as a same-gender-loving person.

While I did not partake in any of the many parties and events going on in Atlanta, I did make a choice to attend an event called the “Blue & White Party” presented by Karats and the Men of Methane Entertainment’s. This group caters to the mature group of same-gender-loving individuals.

I applaud and say well done to this group; the party was tastefully done, offering great music and food in a very relaxed, smoke free environment and featured the wonderful dynamic voices of Dawn McCain and Eva Kennedy.

An Undeserved Gift

2008-08-24T16:54:00.000-07:00

We take our gift of salvation and try to earn it or diagnose it or pay for it instead of simply saying “thank you” and accepting it.

Ironic as it may appear, one of the hardest things to do is to be saved by grace. There is something in us that reacts strangely to God’s gift. We have some weird compulsion to create laws, systems, and regulations that will make us “worthy” of our gift.

Why do we do that? The only reason I can figure is that we cannot believe that the same God that the church states has condemn us, is willing to offer us such an undeserved gift. To accept grace means to accept its necessity and most people don’t like to do that. To accept grace also means that one realizes his or her despair, and most people aren’t too keen on doing that either.

Romans 5:15

"Sometimes I"

2008-08-17T07:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I hide behind the term “Same-Gender-Loving” because the word “Gay” has such negative conations. Sometimes as invisible as we are to the world as black men, we are even more invisible to Black America as SGL men.

Sometimes I know that I, a Same-Gender-Loving individual am an aspect of God’s creations that many people do not yet understand. Sometimes, I don’t understand.

Sometimes I hide behind the postings that I use to inspire you. As positive as they are, at times I get very exhausted trying to inspire others, often finding my self emotionally drained.

Sometimes I think about loving someone and falling in love again. Sometimes real love can be the mirror that will keep away the ones who lie about commitment.

Sometimes I crave deep meaningful, spiritual relationship with someone who is comfortable with God and with himself. Someone with whom I can pray in the mornings, and hold tight through the night. Sometimes I yearn for the intimacy that I once found with a stranger that was lost the moment I told him to go away.

Sometimes the fear of growing old, alone inspires me to do and accomplish things I never knew I could. My human fears are the catalyst in which God has chosen as the avenue to glorify Him. However, Sometimes, I feel that God’s love is not enough. Sometimes, I break God’s heart. Sometimes it’s intentional. Sometimes I ask for forgiveness… Sometimes I rebel.

Sometimes, I take life too seriously; Sometimes I do not take it seriously enough. Sometimes I miss my twenty-year friendship; Sometimes I hate that I… Sometimes I love… Sometimes I…

Sometimes I sit at God’s feet and ask Him “why?” Sometimes I ask God for a life-long partner. Sometimes I wonder why I expect so much. Sometimes I wonder why I am willing to give so much.

Sometimes my skin is hungry and needs to be touched. Sometimes I crave the tender kiss, the passion, and the intimacy of a heartbeat next to mine. Someone who will allow me to satisfy his itch… or one whom will satisfy mine.

Sometimes I hide. Sometimes I crave. Sometimes I pray. Sometimes I hurt. Sometimes, I just smile…and Sometimes I.

With your own words you formed me; breathe your wisdom over me so I can understand you. Now comfort me so I can live, really live. Psalm 119:73 (The Message)

Happy Birthday

2008-08-10T08:32:00.000-07:00

Today on August 10th. I celebrate. My Birthday. With those pictured below.

Michael Bivins
Antonio Banderas
Patti Austin

You knit me together in my mother's womb. Psalm 139

Acceptance

2008-08-03T17:08:00.000-07:00

I heard about a child who was adopted into a family when he was ten years old. He was having a little difficultly feeling truly accepted by his new family until the day came when his father said to him, "Here's your set of chores." The child said, "When I knew that I had been given certain responsibilities, just like all the other kids, I knew I was on my way to being accepted," Then he added, "But I knew I was fully accepted when my dad punished me for failing to complete my chores. He punished me just the same as he did the other kids when they failed to do their chores, no desert that night and no watching TV until the job was done the next day. That's when I knew I was really a part of the family."

Acceptance means being included into a group, with the same status, same rules, same consequences, same treatment. Showing acceptance means treating a person just as you would like to be treated.

Anytime you seek to give love and care to another person, you must examine your motives and ask, Am I willing to accept this persson just as he or she is?

Somewhere Over The Rainbow? Right.

2008-07-27T19:16:00.000-07:00

You do not need what Dorothy found. Remember her discovery in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz? She and her trio followed the yellow-brick road only to discover that the wizard was a wimp! Nothing but smoke and mirrors and tin-drum thunder. Is that the kind of god you need?

You don’t need to carry the burden of a lesser god…a god on a shelf, a god in a box, or a god in a bottle. No, you need a God who can place 100 billion stars in our galaxy and 100 billion galaxies in the universe. You need a God who can shape two fists of flesh into 75 to 100 billion nerve cells, each with as many as 10,000-connections to other nerve cells, place it in a skull, and call it a brain.

Moreover, you need a God who, while so mind-numbingly mighty, can come in the soft of night and touch you with the tenderness of an December snow.

Black in America

2008-07-23T20:50:00.000-07:00

Tonight I watched the CNN documentary special, “Black in America.” I found it to be very interesting and intriguing. Tonight the documentary starts out with a strong and loving black family (The RAND Family) learning about their white ancestor and meeting some of their white relatives for the first time. Other discussions were issues such as education and our young children in America. Single mothers raising children, children born to interracial parents, health care issues, single women dating, the church; AIDS and it’s affects on our black women; homicide in the black community.

Tonight special ended with the bond of the RAND Family.

Tomorrow night the CNN Documentary Special “Black in America” continues. This time the discussion will be “The Black Man in America” it will be very interesting to see how exactly how CNN reports “The Black Man in America.” How about the Black gay man? Will CNN follow the black community, place us in this esoteric group, and refuse to discuss us. On the other hand, will our presence be acknowledged? If so, will the mere mentioning of us be positive or negative?

I eagerly await part two of CNN’s “Black in America.” I think CNN has done an excellent job in presenting the issues that plague Black America. However, while I am aware that the documentary is not about “Black Gay Men” in order for it to ring truth, we should not be overlooked. We, Black Gay Men are Doctors, Lawyers, Teachers, Brothers, Friends, Uncles, Pastors, Actors, Professional Ball Players, etc. We too are a vital part “Black in America.”

My Clarity of Wisdom

2008-07-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

About a month ago, I was experiencing some discomfort in my chest and had trouble breathing. I drove myself to the Emergency Room at a local hospital. After carefully examining me and learning all about my medical history, the doctors decided to keep me overnight. That really surprised me; I’ve always been in good health. My doctor informed me that they wanted to be careful, considering the fact that my brother died of a heart attack at an early age. As I lay in that hospital, concerned about my health and uncertain about my future, millions of thoughts flooded my mind. It’s amazing the clarity of wisdom that comes when you’re uncertain about tomorrow.

I thought about my family and whether or not I should call. I decided not to. I wanted to wait to for the outcome of the tests before sharing news that could alarm any of my family members.

I thought about the one person whom I had been good friends with for about 20 years, we were like brothers. I thought about how he chose to push me away—when I needed him the most—and I could not understand why. I was definitely missing something. However, in his own justification he firmly stated, “I cannot allow your issues to become my partners issues.” His words echoed in my head. Wow, our 20-year friendship was less about friendship and more about how helping me could have negative affects on him and his partner. At that moment, the machine monitoring my blood pressure began to make a strange, alarming noise. The nurse came in and informed me that the machine will alarm to indicate when a patient’s blood pressure is a little high. She then gave me medicine to lower my pressure. I realized then, that as much as it hurt, I had to let go of the stress and pain that I was feeling from this 20-year friendship; I could not allow it to continue to affect my health. Although I was still his friend, he had chosen not to be mine.

This decision was one of the hardest I’ve ever had to make, I put off making this decision because of the thought of losing such a good friend. At times, just thinking about making such a decision would place me on the edge of despair. I would hurt to the point of numbness. I was wounded by painful circumstances of a loved one’s distressing actions.

The next day, the doctors put me through quite a few tests, all which came back negative. My doctor attributed my chest pain and trouble breathing to either stress or a panic attack. Whatever the case, I was happy.

After leaving the hospital, I made time to talk to my friend. The result of our conversation confirmed what I was so sure of when I was laying in the hospital bed. I had made a 20-year investment in a friend who easily turned his back on me when I needed him the most. I could forgive him, but I no longer wanted him to be a part of my life.

Sometimes friendships and relationships end. However, we have to lean on God at all times and grow from the situation. This is how the faith muscle becomes strong.

Via Dolorosa

2008-07-13T12:12:00.000-07:00

As a Same-Gender-Loving person have you determine what road in your life it the hardest?

The most notorious road in the world is the Via Dolorosa, “the Way of Sorrows.” According to tradition, it is the route Jesus took from Pilate’s hall to Calvary. The path is marked by stations frequently used by Christians for their devotions. One station marks the passing of Pilate’s verdict. Another, the appearance of Simon to carry the cross. There are fourteen stations in all, each one a reminder of the events of Christ’s final journey.

Is the route accurate? Probably not…No one knows the exact route Christ followed that Friday.

However, we do know where the path actually began.

The path began, not in the court of Pilate, but in the halls of heaven. The Father began His journey when He left His home in search of us…His desire was singular—to bring his children home…

The path to the cross tells us exactly how far God will go to call us back.

NO REGRET

2008-07-06T11:11:00.000-07:00

Relased date scheduled for 7/25/08

Your Personal Path

2008-06-29T20:45:00.000-07:00

David informed Saul he would kill Goliath. Yet, when Saul saw David, pimpled, and Goliath, rippled, he did what any Iron Age king would do. “Saul gave David his own armor—bronze helmet and a coat of mail” (I Sam. 17:38 NLT)

However, David rejected the armor, selected the stones, lobotomized the giant, and taught us a powerful lesson: what fits others might not fit you. Indeed, what fits the king might not fit you. Just because someone gives you advice, a job, or a promotion, you don’t have to accept it.

Let your uniqueness define your path of life.

Receiving God's Love

2008-06-22T19:20:00.000-07:00

One of the first verses of Scripture I learned as a young Christian (and probably the verse most believers can quote from memory) is John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

As I have grown in Christ, I understand that the entire Bible, every verse, is the revelation of God’s love for humankind. From Genesis to Revelation, it is the story of Christ’s unflagging desire to redeem and reconcile human beings to an eternal fellowship with Him.

How then did I allow the fact that I am a SGL man cause me to develop such a stubborn resistance to receiving and enjoying God’s love? Why are so many Same-Gender-Loving individuals caught in this same spiritual snarl that ties up our fellowship with God and dangerously entangles our whole viewpoint of the Christian life? We know that God is love, but our knowledge of His love runs only skin deep. We know much about sound doctrine; however, our soul is starved for the love of God.

There are some basic factors involved. Perhaps the most obvious is pride, the taproot of sin. It is a devilish snare that promotes the deceptive thinking that once God has rescued us from eternal ruin, we can make it on our own. It binds us in an exhausting, exacting lifestyle that rarely displays Christ’s character and seldom satisfies us. Pride repels the love of God. It breeds self-reliance, short-circuiting our need for love.

Yet beyond pride, I feel there is still a rather common malady that prevents us from even having a clue to what Christ meant when he said, “Now remain in my love” (John 5;19). Jesus used the Greek word agape. This word was seldom used by the Greeks and had little cultural weight, but Jesus and the writers of the New Testament injected it with supernatural significance, using it to express unconditional love of God for the believer.

Unconditional love means this—God love you just the way you are. Isn’t that something we all ache for, to be loved without conditions or stipulations? God loves you when you obey, and he loves you when you err. That doesn’t mean He tolerates sin—He died for it—or that He dilutes its consequences. However, it does mean that His love or you is amazingly steadfast and unchanging.

Perhaps it is because the concept is so alien to the SGL person that we know embarrassingly little about God’s love. However, that can change today. God loves you as much now as He ever will. God’s love is freely bestowed on the SGL individual by His choice. It may sound too good to be true, but it is God’s idea.

Receive it, accept it, and you will never be the same.

Who's Responsible?

2008-06-15T20:51:00.000-07:00

I saw this video on a friend's blog and I just had to share it with my bloggers.

God want His Same-Gender-Loving children to be spiritually and physically healthy. Please be responsible.

Keep your eye on the healthy soul. Psalm 37:37a

Cease Striving

2008-06-08T22:19:00.000-07:00

I was restyling all night with my thoughts trying to find the words to post on my blog. In frustration, I gave up and ended my night saying, “I will update my blog tomorrow or maybe next week.”

It was 12:14 am. I suddenly awakened from a restful sleep, sensing God had something to say to me. In a matter of seconds, Psalm 46 came to mind. I turned on the light and began to read. Although I am very familiar with this magnificent, comforting psalm, I read it deliberately and prayerfully.

The tenth verse arrested my soul: “Be still and know that I am God.” In the quiet of the night, I knew God was revealing something that I desperately needed to know. I prayed, asking God to open up the meaning of the verse so that I might receive His fullness and then I returned to bed.

The next morning I opened the Bible and read Psalm 46:10 from another translation. “Cease serving and know that I am God.”

As soon as I read these words, “cease striving,” I knew what God was saying to me. Though I know better, I have a tendency to strive on my own strength and energy. Let me tell you, that’s exhausting, frustrating, and ultimately not very productive in God’s scheme. As long as you think you have to perform a certain way to please God, you are in subtle conflict with Him.

I breathed a sigh of spiritual relief as I saw the futility of my attempts to carry out God’s commands with my resources and His amazing adequacy for every demand. I can “cease striving” to be holy and righteous, because “in Christ” I already am Holy and righteous. I don’t have to strain to gain God’s approval, because he already loves me unconditionally.

Do you see how this removes the struggle? Do you understand how this can help you to relax and rest in the all-sufficiency of God’s grace? Christ, who indwells you through the Holy-spirit is your peace, strength, comfort, wisdom, hope, joy and guide.

You have all this because you have Christ.

Two Choices

2008-06-01T18:33:00.000-07:00

“What should I do with Jesus, the One called the Christ?” Perhaps you, are curious about this One called Jesus.

What do you do with a man who claims to be God, yet hates religion? What do you do with a man who calls Himself the Savior, yet condemns the systems? What do you do with a man who knows the place and time of His death, yet goes there anyway?...

You have two choices.

You can reject Him. That is an option. You can, as have many, decide that the idea of God’s becoming a carpenter is too bizarre—and walk away.

On the other hand, you can accept Him. You can journey with Him. You can listen for His voice amid the hundreds of voices and follow Him.

Today you have two choices; tomorrow you may not have any.

Empty Vessel

2008-05-25T21:32:00.000-07:00

This week I’m an empty vessel. I have no words to inspire you.

I often write late at night. Not necessarily because I want to, but because sanity only appears to enter my apartment hours after I have gotten home from work and set aside all the issues that I have allowed the outside world to lay upon me.

I turn off everything in my apartment and sit in the silence. The quietness will slow my pulse, and the silence opens my ears and something sacred happens. The soft slap of sandaled feet will break the stillness, a pierced hand will extend a quiet invitation, and I will follow.

I wish I could say it happens every night; it doesn’t. Some nights He asks and I don’t listen. Other nights He asks and I just don’t go. However, some nights I hear His poetic whisper, “Come to me, my son.” And I follow.

I am an empty vessel. “Fill my cup Lord, I lift it up Lord. Come and fill this thirsting in my soul. Bread from Heaven, feed me, until I want no more. Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole.”

Seeing the Source

2008-05-18T18:57:00.000-07:00

Should a Same-Gender-Loving man see only popularity, he becomes a mirror, reflecting whatever needs to be reflected to gain acceptance. Though in vogue, he is vague. Though in style, he is stodgy.

Should a Same-Gender-Loving man see only power, he becomes a wolf—prowling, hunting, and stalking the elusive game. Recognition is his prey and people are his prizes. His quest is endless.

Should a Same-Gender-Loving man see only pleasure, he becomes a carnival thrill-seeker, alive only in bright lights, wild rides, and titillating entertainment. With lustful fever, he races from ride to ride, satisfying his insatiable passion for sensations only long enough to look for another…

Seekers of popularity, power, and pleasure. The end result is the same: painful unfulfillment.

Only in seeing our Maker do we truly become whole. For in seeing our Creator, we catch a glimpse of what we are intended to be.

“Whoever has seen me has seen the Father.” John 14:9

A Bold Love

2008-05-11T18:24:00.000-07:00

The love of a mother for her Same-Gender-Loving child, is there a love any deeper?

The love of God for His Same-Gender-Loving children, is there a love any bolder?

Woven through Scriptures, like the ribbons on a newborn’s quilt, are gentle reminders that God’s love is like that of a mother: deep, unrelenting, bold.

A bold love: The love of a mother. The Love of God, the Father.

As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfor you. (Isaiah 66:13).

Standing Alone

2008-05-05T16:27:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite Christian songs (by Sara Groves) has the most interesting lyrics, “When I stand before the Lord, I’ll be standing alone…”

This song came to my mind when a good friend came to me searching for answers about his homosexuality as it relates to his spirituality. Often he comes to me seeking answers to address the doubt, pain and self-torment he is feeling. When someone comes to me with these sorts of questions or issues, I try to tap into the power of the Holy Spirit to counsel the person with love.

Sometimes providing sound counsel can be very difficult, especially when the person I am counseling has pre-conceived notions that he or she is unlovable because of their homosexuality. Many Same-Gender-Loving individuals believe that God will never love or accept them.

I try to explain the love of God, and how we have to accept and love ourselves as God loves us. My friend told me he did not want to hear this because it seemed too simple. I tried to explain, “It is just that simple. God truly loves us no matter who we are or what we have done.”

He laughed and sarcastically stated, “That sounds like a line from your book.”
I said, “It’s not a line from a book, but it’s the foundation on which my book was written—a book which you refused to read because you like most homophobic homosexuals feel that it promotes homosexuality.”
“If it is not promoting homosexuality,” he asked, “what it is promoting?”
“It is promoting the undeniable and undying love of Christ and nothing else.”

He responded in anger. “I need answers; I don’t have time for this kind of fictional love you’re talking about. I thought after talking to you I would feel better, however, I still feel like I’m standing alone!” After my friend walked out, slamming the door behind him, I sat speechless and shocked from his fury. In addition, I was disappointed that I could not help.

It appears that the love that I was offering and the wonderful love of Christ is not enough to overcome the issue of homosexuality in my friend’s heart. His pain may go far deeper than his sexuality. His pain may be in his choices. The choice he has made to push people away and the choice of accepting the feelings that he is not worthy to be loved by God or anyone else because of his sexuality. On the other hand, maybe the root of his pain is the yearning and need for another man’s touch.

My friend may not accept the fact that while he did not have had a choice regarding his sexuality. He does, however, in this journey of life, have a choice in the helping hands that can lead him to his peaceful final destination.

“When I stand before the Lord, I’ll be standing alone. This journey is my own.” How we travel through this journey is a choice.

Treasures - Keep the ones you like. Forgive the ones you don't. And share them when you can.

2008-04-27T19:48:00.000-07:00

Pray all the time. If necessary, use words.
Sacrilege is to feel guilt for sins forgiven.
God forgets the past. Initate him.
Greed I've often regretted. Generosity-never.

Pursue forgiveness, not innocence.
Be doubly kind to the people who bring your food or park your car.
Don't ask God to do what you want. Ask God to do what is right.
Nails didn't hold God to a cross. Love did.

You'll give up on yourself before God will.
Know answered prayer when you you see it, and don't give up when you don't.
Flattery is fancy dishonesty.
The right heart with the wrong creed is better that the right creed with the wrong heart.

We treat others as we preceive God is treating us.
Sometimes the most godly thing we can do is take a day off.
Faith in the future begets power in the present.
No one is useless to God. No one.

Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.
You will never forgive anyone more than God has already forgiven you.
Succeed in what matters.
You'll regret opening your mouth. You'll rarely regret keeping it shut.

To see sin without grace is despair. To see grace without sin is arrogance.
To see them in tandem is conversion.

Faith is the grit in the soul that puts the dare into dreams.
God doesn't keep a clock.
Never underestimate a gesture of affection.
When Jesus went home, he left the front door open.

And to sum it up;
As soon as you can, pay your debts.
As long as you can, give the benefit of the doubt.
As much as you can, give thanks.
He's has already given us more than we deserve.

Pray About Everything

2008-04-20T20:43:00.000-07:00

Want to worry less? Then pray more.

Can’t handle the fact that you’re gay? Are you living in torment of the self-inflicted pain of your homosexuality, as it relates to your spiritually? Then, “Pray about it.”

Rather than look forward in fear, look upward in faith. This command surprises no one. Regarding prayer, the Bible never blushes. Jesus taught people that “it was necessary for them to pray consistently and never quit (Luke 18:1 MSG). Paul told believers, “Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart” (Col. 4:2 NLT) James declared, “Are any among you suffering? They should keep on praying about it” (James 5:13 NLT).

Rather than worry about anything, “pray about everything.” Everything? Yes. Heterosexuals pray for a mate. Why can’t you as a Same-Gender-Loving Person do the same? “Pray about everything!” Business meetings and broken friendships! Procrastination and prognostications! Pray about everything.

Gods says to the Same-Gender-Loving Person, "Call to me in times of trouble. I will save you, and you will honor me." Psalm 50:25

2008-04-13T21:21:00.000-07:00

A Hymn to God the Father

Wilt Thou forgive that sin where I begun,

Which was my sin, though it were done before?

Wilt Thou forgive that sin through which I run,

And do run still, though I do deplore?

When Thou has done, Thou hast not done;

For I have more.

Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I have won

Others to sin, and made my sins their door?

Wilth Thou forgive that sin which I did shun

A year or two, but wallow'd in a score?

When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done;

For I have more.

I have a sin of fear, that when I've spun

My last thread, I shall perish on the shore;

But swear by Thyself that at my death Thy Son

Shall shine as He shines now and heretofore:

And having done that, Thou has done;

I fear no more.

"A Hymn to God the Father" Author, John Donne 1573-1631 (The Oxford Book of English Verse)

You are You-Nique

2008-04-06T16:35:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, my viewpoint of what I could or would be once I became an adult was a bit skewed by the negative things I had heard about gays and homosexuality.

Image my surprise when the light in my closet of my world came on and God revealed to me, "I made you you-nique." My you-nique-ness is not about becoming a Same-Gender-Loving individual. In that I had no choice. My you-nique-ness is that I can only be what God wants me to be.

Secular thinking, as a whole doesn't buy this. Especially when it's coming from a Same-Gender-loving person. Secular society sees no Author being the book, no Architech behind the house, No Purpose behind or beyond life. It simply says, "You can be anything you want to be."

Be a butcher if you want to, a sales rep if you like. Be an ambassador if you really care. You can be anything you want to be. However, can you? If God did not pack within you the meat sense to be a butcher, the people skills of a salesperson, or the world vision of an ambassador, can you be one? An unhappy, dissaffied one perhaps. A fulfilled one? No.

Can an acorn be a rose, a whale fly like bird, or lead become gold? Absolutely not. Neither can you be anything you want to be. However, you can be everything God wants you to be.

Each of us is an original. Galatians 5:26 MSG

You Are Mine

2008-03-30T19:17:00.000-07:00

God knows your entire story, from first word to final breath, and with clear assessment declares, “You are Mine.”

When I wrote my book “Lullabies of Mercy”, my publisher made a similar decision. Before it was ready to be published, they read it—every single word. Multiple sets of editorial eyes scoured my manuscript, moaning at some of my decisions, screaming at me about others, grading my word crafting, suggesting a tune-up here and a tone-down there. We volleyed pages back and forth, writer to editor to writer, until finally we all agreed—this is it. It’s time to publish or pass. The publisher could pass, mind you. Sometimes they do. In this case, obviously they didn’t. With perfect knowledge of my imperfect product, they signed on. What you read may surprise you, but not them.

My Same-Gender-Loving brothers and sisters, what you do may stun you, but not God. With perfect knowledge of your imperfect life, God signed on. And on the bottom line he signed, “You are Mine.”

“Our lives are in the True One and in His Son, Jesus Christ.” 1John 5:20

Enter His Presence

2008-03-23T15:48:00.000-07:00

It is as if the hands of heaven had been gripping the veil, waiting for this moment. Keep in mind the size of the curtain—sixty feet tall and thirty feet wide. One instant it was whole; the next it was ripped in two from top to bottom. No delay. No hesitation.

What did the torn curtain mean? For the Jews it meant no more barrier between them and the Holy of Holies. No more priests to go between them and God. No more animal sacrifices to atone for their sins.

What about the Same-Gender-Loving community? What did the torn curtain signify for us?

It signifies that we, you and I, your mate and my mate, are welcome to enter into God’s presence—any day, any time. God has removed the barrier that separates us from him. He has removed the curtain. He has removed sin.

Enter into His Presence.

“When Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom.”Matthew 27:50-51 NIV

John 3:16

2008-03-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

As boldly as the center beam of the Cross proclaims God’s Holiness, the crossbeam desires His love. And, oh, how wide His love reaches.

Aren’t you glad the verse does not read:

“For God so loved the rich…”?

Or, “For God so loved the famous…”?

Or, “For God so loved the thin…”?

It doesn’t. Nor does it state, “For God so loved the Europeans or Africans…” “the sober or successful…” “the young or the old…”

No, when we read John 3:16, we simply (and happily) read, “For God so loved the world.”

We, the Same-Gender-Loving community are God’s World.

How wide is God’s love? Wide enough for the whole world.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son... " John 3:16

I've Been There

2008-03-09T18:31:00.000-07:00

Why did Jesus hang his family's dirty laundry on the neighborhood clothesline?

Because your family has some too; The dad who never came home. The grandparent who ran away with the coworker. The Same-Gender-Loving family member pushed away into the pit of loneliness. If your family tree has bruised fruit, then Jesus wants you to know "I've been there."

The phrase" I've been there" is in the chorus of Christ's theme song. To the lonely, Jesus whispers, "I've been there." To the discouraged, Christ nods his head and sighs, "I've been there."

“Jesus had to enter into every detail of human life.” Hebrews 2:17 MSG

Interesting thoughts

2008-03-02T19:48:00.000-08:00

Thursday when I got home, I knew I had a lot to do, but I decided to relax for a moment. I was very exhausted from the 12-hour drive (In a Uhaul) from Dallas, working three 12-hours days, and getting over my cold. I sat for about an hour, doing nothing. I finally got up to take what I thought would be a quick, five-minute shower; however, this turned into thirty minutes of profound thoughts and wonderful relaxation.

The moment the water hit my body, it began to help relax my mind. As the hot water ran slowly down into every crevice of my body, it never appeared to hit the bottom of the tub. The water just seemed to wrap me in a soothing cocoon. Within this cocoon, I was being feed through my heart by a wonderful source of energy that awakened the most fleeting thoughts within my mind. Wow, “If only my laptop was water resistant, I could write a book in here.”

During this shower I recalled a time, about twenty years ago, when I was younger and I had had one of many sexual encounters with a man that I truly loved. Why was this encounter so different, I cannot remember? Afterwards I rushed home and jumped in the shower. I tried to scrub it away, to wash it off, this feeling that I felt, that I was spiritually unclean. Was this the one encounter where we truly committed our hearts to one another? If so, why did I have this feeling of uncleanness. Whatever the case, I wanted the water to cleanse me. I just sat there in the shower, repenting repeatedly. After about 45 minutes, I jumped out the shower, I didn’t dry myself, I just ran to the my computer and began to try to capture what I thought I was feeling. Unsure if my thoughts were to God or myself, I typed…

“I have committed my sin again. I’ve made love to him again. I’ve tried to cleanse my body of this love, but it appears that this kind of love is rooted deep within. Lord, Will you punish me for being the creature that I am, a being that was created from the blueprint that you developed? What do you think of this love for a man such as myself that has sprouted in me? Did you plant this seed of love for my same gender in me? Am I to ignore the possibilities of this love? I would truly ignore it if it hindered my prayer, faith, or time with you. However, this love seems to make me want to worship you even more. How can that be? Will you accept my prayers and praises of worship yet reject my prayer for happiness and true love?”

I remember titling this “Interesting Thoughts.”

I turned off the water; my thirty-minute shower had ended. My cocoon had disappeared. I stepped out of the shower, and began to towel dry myself. As the water that rested on my body vanished within the dryness of my towel, so did the wonderful fleeting thoughts vanish within the chambers of the thoughts of my busy week. The only thing left for me to do was sleep, and I did. I crawled into my bed, wrapped myself in my comforter; thirty-seconds later I was asleep.

My fellow bloggers, I’m not sure of the central message in this post. However, I nonetheless thank you for reading. Have a blessed week.

A Rough Week.

2008-02-18T17:11:00.000-08:00

I have had a rough workweek. I have a cold that is kicking my butt. And I’m in a city where sometimes I feel alone. As I sit in front of my laptop searching for the words to inspire you, my mind is blank, empty. Is it my cold, or is it my current circumstances? I’m not so sure, this is one thought I don’t want to meditate on.

I looked around the room, hoping, maybe through some of the objects, that a creative muse would arise and strike a chord of inspiration deep inside. At that moment, the inspired message would go from my mind through my fingers to convey a message that will touch your heart. However, no inspiration came. I looked at the picture on the wall, thinking that within the palette of its colors I could awaken the creative juices in me. No such luck.

I thought about my dream the other night, where my father, who passed away in April of last year, came to me with a copy of my book in his hand and told me how proud of me he was. I looked at my Bible, picked it up and thumbed through it trying to find something, anything that would help rekindle my creative fire that seemed to be burning so dim. As I thumbed through it, I realized that as much as I read the Bible there is still a lot that I don’t understand about it. In frustration, I slammed it shut and tossed it on the floor.

The moment the Bible hit the floor, God revealed a few things to me. He said, regarding my cold, “You need to take better care of yourself, because I have put you in charge of caring for others. And regarding My Book, your Bible. You are not asked to believe the Bible, but to believe the One Whom the Bible reveals.”

Interesting isn’t it. How God can use a cold and a rough week, as the seed that sprouts the message to comfort others. Have a blessed week.

An Amazing Destiny

2008-02-10T20:24:00.000-08:00

In God’s book, the Same-Gender-Loving individual is heading somewhere. We have an amazing destiny. We are being prepared to walk down the church aisle and become the bride of Jesus. We are going to live with Him. Share the throne with Him. Reign with Him. We count. We are valuable. And what’s more, our worth is built in! Our value is inborn.

You see, if there was anything that Jesus wanted everyone to understand was this: A person is worth something simply because he is a person. That is why He treated us like He did. Think about it. The adulterer caught making undercover thunder with someone she shouldn’t—Jesus forgave her. The untouchable leper who asked for cleansing—Jesus touched him. The blind welfare case that cluttered the roadside—Jesus honored him. The worn-out old windbag addicted to self-pity near the pool of Siloam—Jesus healed him! And the homosexual who thinks he is unlovable—Jesus loves him!

We, have an amazing destiny!

“I will extol you. O LORD, for You have lifted me up.” Psalm 30:1 NKJV

Define by Grace

2008-02-03T20:41:00.000-08:00

Grace defines you. As grace sinks in, earthly labels fade. Society labels you as an ignorant, black, gay, male. Stupid. Unproductive. However, as grace infiltrates, criticism disintegrates. You know you aren’t who they say you are. Spiritually alive. Heavenly positioned. Connected to the Father.

A billboard of mercy. An honored child.

Of course, not all labels are negative. Some people regard you as handsome, clever, successful, or efficient. However, even a White House office doesn’t compare with being “seated with him in the heavenly realms” (Eph. 2:6 NLT). Grace creates the Christian’s resume.

“Christ…raised us up together…that…He might show the exceeding riches of His grace.”Ephesians 2:5-6 NKJV

Applaud Loud and Often

2008-01-27T18:12:00.000-08:00

Many SGL individuals are coming-out of the closet. Wanting to make a loud statement to the world; “Accept me as I am!” However, eventually the world just turns a blind eye and that person is viewed as just another gay person.

Jesus has never taken his eyes off you. Not for a millisecond. He’s always near. He lives to hear your heartbeat. He loves to hear your prayers. He’d die for your sin before He’d let you die in your sin, so He did.

What do you do with such a Savior? Don’t you sing to him? Don’t you declare, confess, and proclaim his name? Don’t you bow a knee, lower a head, hammer a nail, feed the poor, and lift up your gift in worship? Of course you do.

Come out of the closet to Jesus. Worship Him. Applaud Him loud and often. For your sake, you need it. And for heaven’s sake, He deserves it.

“Sing to Him, sing psalms to Him; talk of all His wondrous works!” Psalm 105:2 NKJV

We Need A Savior

2008-01-20T18:19:00.000-08:00

“You can’t forgive me for my sins nor can I forgive you for yours. Two kids in a mud puddle can’t clean each other. They need someone clean. Someone spotless. We need someone clean too. That’s why we need a savior.

Trying to make it to heaven on our own goodness is like trying to get to the moon on a moonbeam: nice idea, but try it and see what happens.

Listen. Quit trying to quench your own guilt. You can’t do it. There’s no way. Not with a bottle of bourbon or perfect Sunday school attendance. Sorry. I don’t care how bad you are. You can’t be bad enough to forget it. And I don’t care how good you are. You can’t be good enough to overcome it. You need a Savior.

“Christ's death was a one-time event, but it was a sacrifice that took care of sins forever.” Hebrews 9:28 The Msg

What Is Your Anthem?

2008-01-13T18:22:00.000-08:00

Angels have touched me. They rest on my shoulders while I sleep. When I awake, they remind me of who I really am underneath: One of God’s wonderful creations that existed within the chambers of is His heart long before the earth’s foundation was laid. Not a mistake, but a thought, a desire, a choice, a child of God, a beautiful black male, a son, a man, a brother, a friend, a homosexual.

These angels are letting me know that what I truly desire, only the Most High can give. They tap into the depths of my soul, where they reside ever so gently, as if they have found what it is I so desperately seek—answers…to question I’ve had for years.

Is my sexuality, like the caramel color of my skin, not my own choice? Why is this homosexual lifestyle full of so much pain? Is this lifestyle an accidental cut or a self-inflicted wound? These angels tell me that this pain cannot be due to a cut or something self-inflicted. This pain, which is something I must endure, has been ordained by God, for His purpose and His glorification.

These angels, they look just like me and some of my friends, with wings that shade me from hurtful thoughts, and I appreciate them for it. I appreciate them as they circle around me and extend their wings out as if to shield me from the arrows of the Devil and from the negative words of those who seek to judge.

These angels’ wings have become a fortress wrapped around me as I kneel, pray and worship God. They strengthen me as they chant over and over again: “Behold the powerful prayer of a Gay, Black, Male. With his words, he praises God. With his heart, he loves God. Through his tears, he worships God.”

Angels have touched me and it’s a good thing they did. For only God knows the truth and only I know myself. My angels come to reveal God’s message to me. “Go; speak loud my son to your Same-Gender-Loving brothers and sisters. Speak my words and save their soul.”

These angels speak in tongues of divine dialects that sometimes get lost in translation, yet remain seamlessly woven into the thatched roofs of my temple, along my Nile, where the sky’s the limit and God’s tender mercies are forever.

The Uncritical Temper

2008-01-07T06:20:00.000-08:00

Jesus says regarding judging—Don’t. Yet, the average Christian is the most penetratingly critical individual. Especially when it comes to homosexuals or the homosexual community. Criticism is a part of the ordinary faculty of most Christians; but in the spiritual domain, nothing is accomplished by criticism. The effect of criticism is a dividing of the powers of the one criticized. The Holy Spirit is the only one in the true position to criticize, He alone is able to show what is wrong without hurting and wounding. It is impossible for homosexuals or heterosexuals to enter into communion with God when he or she is in a critical temper; it makes a person hard, vindictive, and cruel, and leaves you with the flattering unction that you are a superior person. Jesus says, as a Christian, cultivate the uncritical temper and beware of anything that puts you in the superior person’s place.

There is no getting away from the very core of Jesus. If I see the mote in your eye, it means I have a beam in my own. Every wrong thing I see in you, God locates in me. Christians, every time we judge others, we condemn ourselves (See Romans 2:17-20).

We all must stop having a measuring rod for other people. There is always one more fact in every man’s case about which we know nothing. The first thing God does is to give us a spiritual spring-cleaning; there is no possibility of pride left in a man after that. I have never met anyone I could despair of after discerning what lies in me apart from the grace of God.

"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. (Matthew 7:1 The Message)

What Are You Looking At?

2007-12-30T06:34:00.000-08:00

Do we as Same-Gender-Loving individuals expect God to come to us with His blessing and save us? He says—Look unto Me, and be saved. Not “I will look unto you and save you.” The great difficulty is to concentrate on God, and it is His blessings and some im-perfect Christians that make it difficult. Yet, no matter who we are, heterosexual or homosexual, troubles nearly always make us look to God. However, once we are blessed, His blessings are apt to make us look elsewhere.

As SGL’s, we must not allow the words of hateful Christians keep us away from the teaching of Jesus Christ.

Jesus’ words on the Sermon on the Mount were just for you and are still, in effect: “You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat. You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for. You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world. You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom. Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.” Matthew 5:3-11 (The Message)

Now, narrow all your interest until the attitude of mind and heart and body is concentrated on Jesus Christ. Concentrating on His inviting words. Words that are designed specifically for the Same-Gender-Loving community. “Look unto Me, and be saved.”

Many Same-Gender-Loving individuals have a mental conception of what a Christian should be, and the lives of Christians become a hindrance to our concentration of God. There is no salvation in this way, it is not simple enough. “Look unto me,” and—not “you will be save,” but “you are saved.” The very thing we look for, we shall find if we will concentrate on Him. We get preoccupied and sulky with God, while all the time He is saying, “Look up and be saved.” The difficulties and trails—the casting about in our minds as to what we shall do this summer, tomorrow, or tonight, all vanish when we look to God.

My SGL brothers and sisters “Rouse yourself up and look to God.” Build your hope on Him. No matter if, a thousand and one Christians say to you that God has condemned you to hell. Resolutely exclude them all and look to Him. God is saying, “Look unto Me,” you same-gender-loving individuals, and salvation is, the moment you look.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-23T10:33:00.000-08:00

I'm a sucker for a good Christmas movie. I found this one very enjoyable. Merry Christmas.

Movie " Noel 2004 "

For this purpose I have been sent.

2007-12-16T21:37:00.000-08:00

Image it, after Christ’s forty-day pause in all the Churches, the Christians of this world “tried to keep Him from leaving them; but He said to them, ‘I must preach the Kingdom of God to the Same-Gender-Loving community, because for this purpose I have been sent.’”

He resisted the undertow of the Christians by anchoring to the rock of His purpose: employing His uniqueness to make a big deal out of God everywhere He could.

Moreover, aren’t you glad He did? Suppose He had heeded the Christians and only set up camp in all the Churches, reasoning, “I thought the whole world was my target and the cross my destiny. However, all the Christians are telling me to stay in the Churches. Stay away from the Same-Gender-Loving community. Could all these people be wrong?”

Yes, they could! In defiance of the crowd, Jesus…said no to the Christians so He could say yes to the Same-Gender-Loving community and to the right thing: His unique call.

“I must preach the kingdom of God…because for this purpose I have been sent.” Luke 4:42-43 NKJV

Recall What God Remembers

2007-12-09T08:13:00.000-08:00

As a Same-Gender-Loving person am I as spontaneously kind to God as I used to be, or am I only expecting God to be kind to me? Am I full of the little things that cheer His heart over me, or am I whimpering because things aren’t going well with me? There is no joy in the soul that has forgotten what God prizes. It is a great thing to think that Jesus Christ has need of me, “Give Me to drink.” How much kindness have I shown Him, this past week? Have I been kind to His reputation in my life?

Have my needs and desires for the things of this world caused me to ignore Him? Or am I paying too much attention to the loud voices that refuse to believe that He is willing to bless me. You know, those homosexuals who hate themselves, along with those perfect heterosexuals who hate all homosexuals.

God is saying to me a Same-Gender-Loving person—“You are not in love with Me now, but I remember the time when you were. I remember…the love of thine espousals.” Am I as full of the extravagance of love to Jesus Christ now as I was in the beginning, when I went out of my way to prove my devotion to Him? Does He find me recalling the time when I did not care for anything but Him? Am I there now, or have I become wise over loving Him? Am I so in love with Him that I take no account of where I go? On the other hand, am I watching for the respect due to me; weighing how much service I ought to give, or how kind I should be to others, or when wronged whether to offer forgiveness?

If as I recall what God remembers about me, I find He is not what He used to be to me let it produce shame and humiliation, because these negative emotions will bring forth the godly sorrow that works repentance.

I say to Jesus, Your book of books lies undisturbed, and the prayers from my heart too few. Jesus says to me. “Why did you stop loving me when you discovered that you are a Same-Gender-Loving person? I knew all about you the day you were born. However, now I long for you. “I recall… the kindness of thy youth.” Jeremiah 2:2

Words from the heart of a child.

2007-12-01T22:14:00.000-08:00

I am happy to kick off this holiday season with a poem from a very talented young man, Joshua F. Deckard. Joshua and his parents shared this poem with me in September 2007. I am pleased to share this poem with you on my blog.

Joshua is a native Texan. He loves to write poetry, play sports and travel with his family. Joshua is a Christian and is an honor roll student at a private Christian Academy. Joshua enjoys going to the movies with his dad and loves to cook with his mom. Christmas is his favorite time of the year.

“When Christmas Comes”

Christmas is the best time of year
It is the day when we all cheer
There is nothing but happiness and fun
Just playing with your presents all day in the sun
Some people don't get presents because they are poor
But God will give them presents and even more
Have a good Christmas, and make it fun
Because Jesus' work has been done.

There is wisdom in this poem. God revealed this message to this young man’s heart. However, not only did He reveal this to him. He choose to use him as an instrument to write it down and share it with the world. How wonderful to read a poem from a child whose last sentence tells the story of Jesus' final moments on the cross. Jesus' last words, “It is finished,” express triumph rather than defeat. Jesus bowed his head and gave up his spirit knowing that the strife was now over and the battle was won. Words from the heart of a child, “Jesus’ work has been done.”

Jesus’ prayer: "Thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth. You've concealed your ways from sophisticates and know-it-alls, but spelled them out clearly to the little children." (Matthew 19:50 The MSG)

“When Christmas Comes” by Joshua F. Deckard. Published in the Excellence 2006 Poetry Collection by The American Library of Poetry. Used by permission.

Go with Your heart

2007-11-18T12:53:00.000-08:00

While falling asleep, I dreamed that I saw a Same-Gender-Loving man standing at Calvary. Its noon, the sky has darkened and it appears that this man is the only witness standing at the crucifixion. Christ looked down at him from the cross and said, “Have you come to this cross with your heart, or have you come to see my crucifixion?” The man spoke, “Lord I have come with my heart. I have come to give you my heart.”

Immediately I awake. I am stunned by Jesus’ question and shocked that this man was not condemned.

Christ went to Calvary with His heart; we must all do the same.

Tears represent the heart, the spirit, and the soul of a person. To put a lock and key on your emotions is to bury part of your Christ-likeness, especially when you come to Calvary.

We can’t go to the cross with just our head and not our heart. It doesn’t work that way. Calvary is not a mental journey or an intellectual exercise. It’s not a mathematical calculation or a cold, theological principle.

It’s a heart-splitting time of emotion.

If you go to Calvary with your heart, you would not be able to walk away dry-eyed and unstirred. You wouldn’t be able to just square your shoulders and clear your throat. There would be no possible way you could descend Calvary cool and collected.

However, if you are in a hurry, I ask that you please pause. Look again and realize what you are seeing. Those are nails in Jesus’ hands. That’s Jesus on that cross. We put Him there.

Please, when you go to Calvary go with your heart. And give it to Jesus.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. (Matthew 5:8 NIV)

Saved by works? I don't think so.

2007-11-11T21:22:00.000-08:00

Many SGL individuals often get frustrated with what it will take to get to heaven. As Christians, they forget about God. Put hope in doctrine, put so much focus on the suffering related to their sexuality, and tends to think good works is what it will take to save them and get them to heaven.

If good works save us, we do not need God—weekly reminders of the do’s and don’ts will get us to heaven. If we are saved by suffering, we certainly do not need God. All we need is a whip, a chain, and the gospel of guilt. If we are saved by doctrine then, for heaven’s sake, let us study! We do not need God we need a lexicon.

However, we must all be careful. For if, we are saved by having exact doctrine, and then one mistake would be fatal. That goes for those who believe we are made right with God through deeds. I hope the temptation is never greater than the strength. If it is, a bad fall could be a bad omen. Moreover, those who think we are saved by suffering, take caution as well, for you never know how much suffering is required.

It took Paul decades to discover what he wrote in only one sentence: “A person is made right with God through faith, not through obeying the law.” (Romans 3:28) Not through good works, suffering, or study.

“God does not respond to what we do; We respond to what God does.” Saved by works? I don't think so.

Is Life Long Enough?

2007-11-04T20:39:00.000-08:00

I have very few friends; the person in the picture above is one of them. About a month ago, I lost my good friend. He died from a diabetic seizure. He was always calling me wanting to hang out, grab a bite to eat or whatever. For some reason or another, I was always busy. When I got the call about his passing, it was a bitter pill for me to swallow. I purposely choose not to attend his wake or funeral, claiming that I had to work.

A week ago, I wanted to hang out and he was the first person who came to my mind. So I picked up the phone to call him… it hit me. My friend is dead. I said it. Closure-Goodbye my friend.

We all can be comforted in knowing that no person lives one day more or less, than God intends. However, we all say ruefully, “His life was so brief…”

To us it may seem that way. We speak of a short life, but compared to eternity, who has a long one? A person’s days on earth may appear as a drop in the ocean. Yours and mine may seem like a thimbleful. However, when compared to the vast Pacific Ocean of eternity, even the years of Methuselah filled no more than a glass.

In God’s plan, every life is long enough and every death is timely. Though you and I might wish for a longer life, God knows better.

The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day. (Psalm 139:16 The Message)

My Grace Is Sufficient!

2007-10-30T09:28:00.000-07:00

A friend wanted to know if he would ever change, if his desires to be with a man would ever go away. He stated, “I attend church regularly, Sunday’s and Wednesday’s, I read my Bible and I do all the right things. Still there has not been a change in me. I’m still gay. I was told that if I do all these things, I can and will change.” He continued, “In the mornings when I wake, I desire to have sex with a man. All throughout the day, I desire to have sex with a man. At night my last thoughts are my desire to have sex with a man. Why are my desires to have sex with a man part of my every waking thought?” In his frustration he shouted. “Why won’t God help me to become a straight man?”

I quickly donned my therapist / counselor hat. The rest of our conversation is as follows:

Me: Let’s first say that attending church regularly and reading your Bible has nothing to do with whether you are heterosexual or homosexual; it shows that you want to have a relationship with God. Or it could be a healthy pattern in your life that you enjoy.
My friend: OK.
Me: So for now let’s set that aside and re-visit it if we have to.
Me: If you were a heterosexual, would that change your thought patterns about sex?
My friend: Yes, my every thought would be my desire to have sex with a woman.
Me: So is the issue who you desire to have sex with, or your own sexual appetite?
My friend: No you’re missing my point. The issue here is about homosexuality.
Me: So you are saying that all homosexuals do is think about having sex?
My friend: Yes. No. You’re confusing me! If I were a heterosexual, if I could change. I would be a different person.
Me: I have to say, you need no help from me in being confused. And when you say change, do you mean change as no longer being homosexual?
My friend: Yes. That’s what I mean.
Me: Have you asked God to help you with your thought patterns or thought life, and your issues regarding your sexuality?
My friend: What do you mean?! Have I asked God for help?! I told you I attend church regularly and I read my bible. God has given me all the tools I need to handle my thoughts and to change from being a homosexual to a normal heterosexual.

Me: (Internal thought, Hmm. Did he just say "normal-heterosexual.")
Me: Ok. If God has given you these tools to make these changes, what seems to be the problem? Why are we having this conversation? You seem to have the answer.
My friend: (Sits silently and stares into space)
Me: Are you ok? Do you want to talk about what is really bothering you?
My friend: Yes. For years I have prayed, prayed and prayed to ask God why He created me as a gay man, and He always responds with the same answer.
Me: And what answer is that?
My friend: He is saying, “Focus on me. My grace is sufficient.” (Frustrated, he repeats this) “Focus on me, My grace is sufficient.”
Me: Why is God’s answer to your prayer not good enough?
My friend: Because, He did not answer my question!
Me: If you listen closely, it sounds to me like He did.
My friend: (SHOUTING) How?! Tell me how I get my answer out of, “My grace is sufficient?!
Me: Try to calm down. God’s not deaf. And neither am I.
My friend: I’m sorry. But you don’t understand. That’s not what I wanted to hear.
Me: Is it really about what you want to hear? (I started reading Psalms 139 (13, 15-18) from my Bible:) "You knit me together in my mother's womb. You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; you know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; the days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one-day. How precious are your thoughts of me, If I were to count them they would outnumber the grains of sand.”

Me: Tell me, can you count the number of grains of sand on a beach.

My friend: No.

Me: You see, that's how often God thinks of you and me. So you're telling me that the all knowing God, who knows and created all things, can't seem to give you an answer to a question that he knew you would one day ask Him. (By this time I am shouting.)
My friend: Calm down. (Smiling) God’s not deaf and neither am I.
Both: Laughing.
Me: Listen, what God is saying may not be what you want to hear. However, you have to be willing to listen to the wisdom in His words. Maybe what God is telling you is to stop focusing on the fact that you’re gay and put your focus on Him. He created you so there is nothing about you, or nothing going on with you that He is not aware of. The answer to your thought life is focus on God. Let God help you to resolve your problems. The answer to the gay issue is to focus on God, let Him help you to deal with your sexuality. The more you focus and put your trust in God, the fewer issues you will have with your thought life, yourself and your sexuality.
My friend: Are you sure?
Me: It’s not about me being sure. God is sure. He gave you an excellent answer to a question that many people are afraid to ask.

* * *

There are many SGL individuals who focus more on their sexuality and less on God and His loving grace. One thing we must know is that God is like a perfect gentleman. He will extend an invitation, but he will not force you to accept it. Where you spend eternity is up to you. It doesn’t matter who you are. Heterosexual or homosexual. Focus on Him.

Three times I asked God to take this away. He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Corithians 12:8-9)

A Word From: The Jena Tree

2007-10-21T21:43:00.000-07:00

My blog takes pride in presenting a wide range of perspectives. I am pleased to present for readers’ consideration, a few words from the Jena, Louisiana tree:

Despite being the catalyst that launched the recent nationwide brouhaha, my voice is the one that has been the most silent during all of the recent, sad events. My voice has been silent not by my choice, but due to the will and design of human beings that use the loud and sensational to overpower the quiet and meaningful.

To tell you the truth, I haven’t seen this much excitement in this one-horse town in years. You see, things never really changed here in Jena, Louisiana. When segregation ended in theory in the 1960’s and 70’s, things just continued the way they had always had been. Here in Jena a certain population rules. In the past, there were many lynchings, and although times have changed, the hearts of certain people have not; they have found other, more creative ways to hang people who they deem to be inferior, such as its own black citizens. I can tell you some stories… but only if you’re willing to listen.

I have to say, I am always happy to provide a leafy shelter for anyone who is willing to sit under my branches, lay next to my truck and enjoy my comfort. When people come to relax, I can feel the warmth of their feet on my roots and the sound of their heartbeat as they lay back on my trunk. What a wonderful feeling. Especially when I stretch out my branches and praise God. You see, that’s one of the main reasons I was created—to praise God. Sometimes I can tell by the strength and rhythm of a heartbeat if someone is evil or not, but that doesn’t hinder me from doing what I was created to do: Look upward and praise God.

A few years ago, a young girl was running from her father. He caught her and beat her nearly unconscious, right under my branches, all because he read her diary. She wrote that she thought a black boy was cute. She lay beneath my branches, so still I thought she was dead. Dead people hanging from my branches are, unfortunately, all too familiar to me. The moment her father left, God issued a wonderful breeze. I stretched my branches and leaves as far as I could and praised God with all of my strength and energy. A few minutes later, the young woman woke up, softly weeping. Her first words were, “Thank you God.” She got up, composed herself, and walked away. I believe my praise gave her the strength and perspective to continue on.

Just last week, a group of kids hung nooses around my branches. You should have heard some of the evil things coming out of their mouths and hearts—the things, they would do, and all the problems they would cause if any of those black kids sat or rested under my branches. I’m not surprised this small town is in an uproar. It is possible that most of these kids’ grandparents are probably former members of the evil group that wore all white robes with pointy white hoods. They would bring people, (they use to call them “niggers”) to my branches and let them hang there by their necks until they died. Once the poor victim was dead, the people in white would cut off fingers or other parts of their body as souvenirs and then just leave them hanging. After each hanging God would send a gentle breeze to escort their spirits to heaven. I would stretch my branches and leaves out as far as I could and praise God, for that is what I am designed to do.

Last night, my favorite couple, who has been dating for about four years, came and sat down under my branches. I could tell by the strength and rhythm of their heartbeats that they were in love. One white kid and one black kid. They both were friends of all the kids who had been involved in the Jena 6 trouble. I remember them because they would often wait for a late hour to sit under my branches. They called me “A place where our hearts are as one”. Lisa and Heather, high school seniors, had fallen in love in the ninth grade and had managed to keep their relationship a secret. The spoke openly about what was going on in this small town of Jena but vowed to do their best not to allow it to come between their love. Hanging out with each other was not going to be an issue for them. The only side they were on was their love. They sat next to each other, held each other close, and cried because of the unfair treatment of the Jena 6 and the strain it had placed on their families, friends and the small town. Although they didn’t voice it, I could feel in their heartbeats that they were not sure their love could withstand the chaos going down in their town. As they cried, it seemed that their hearts began to beat as one. As they kissed, a gentle breeze from God began to blow. I stretched out my branches and leaves and praised Him. In response, one of the girls said softly, “Listen, can you hear that, sounds like the voice of an angel praising God?”

Today the chaos in this small town has gotten worse. I have been informed by the grass that surrounds me that I am to be punished. Tomorrow morning I will be cut down. I will be destroyed. I am disheartened because I will no longer be able to do what I have been created to do, to lift up my branches to the heaven and praise God.

Out of all the visitors that sat under my branches the ones I will miss the most is Lisa and Heather. They never spoke about hate. The hearts were not evil. They only spoke about a place and a time far from Jena where they could live their life and be loved and respected. “A place and time when their hearts could beat as one.”

The hour of my end is near. Why am I being cut down for nooses that couldn’t hold God’s breath? The nooses that were hung by the kids were hung by their own harboring of hatred. Other nooses from times long ago held the necks of innocent people. These nooses hung around my branches for hours, sometimes days.

If I took part in shedding the innocent blood that has dropped on my roots for the past 200 years, I would ask to be cut down and have my branches burned, for it was in those moments that I did not serve God’s purpose. However, it appears that I am being unfairly treated, just like the Jena 6. Nevertheless, I will embrace my hour. I will fulfill the duties for which I was created–to lift up my branches, to heaven above, harmoniously with He who has created all things. I will praise God–until the final moments when I can do so no more.

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

2007-10-15T21:24:00.000-07:00

Fellow bloggers, this week I share with you an excerpt from my book. "Lullabies of Mercy." Chapter Three, “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” is about a fictional character, Micheal Adams who was born and raised in a loving proud Christian family. He is immediately rejected when he reveals his sexuality to his parents.

MICHEAL’S STORY:

We all have people who are special to us; people who we love to greet because these people seem to make our day. For me, this described my family. Therefore, when I decided to share with my family that I am a same-gender-loving person, I asked them all the same question: “After I share with you all that is in my heart, will you still love me tomorrow?” Not knowing specifically what I wanted to share, they all assured me that, no matter what, their love was unconditional and would always be available to me. As I opened my mouth to speak, I began to sweat; it was as if the words were hiding. I had a lump in my throat; nothing would come out.

My mother walked up to me and whispered, “Micheal, honey before you make your speech,” she placed a gift in my hands, “open this gift.” I tore open the gift and to my surprise, it was my old picture of Jesus suffering on the cross. Mom whispered, “I found it in the attic, I remember you used to fall asleep with this picture in your bed. “You said it always made you feel better. I’m sure this will help you with the big news you want to share. You seem so nervous.” The picture of Christ suffering on the cross seemed to warm my hands and give my heart comfort. At that moment, tears fell from my eyes and the words just fell from my lips, “I’m gay.”

The entire room became very silent for what seemed like an eternity. My mom turned away with tears in her eyes and refused to look at me. All my siblings, uncles, aunts, and cousins stared at me with horrific looks of disappointment. My dad walked up to me, wrestled the picture out of my hands and hit me so hard, I was knocked to the floor. More than his punch, what really hurt was the fact that he had taken my picture away from me. A picture that always gave me comfort. My father had a burning look in his eyes that I had never seen before. He said, “Get out. Gay people are not allowed in my family!” He then picked me up and bodily threw me outside. The moment my body hit the pavement, I jerked upright, shivering with a fear that I had never experienced.

To my surprise, my family had . . .

Comfort

2007-10-07T18:29:00.000-07:00

I think I may have given this week’s posting too much of myself and too little spiritual inspiration. Here are my thoughts:

In my efforts to identify a topic that will inspire you, one word flashed in my head repeatedly: comfort. My blog’s goal is to offer comfort, and my book, Lullabies of Mercy, is subtitled “Comfort for the African American, Same-Gender-Loving Person. Having its own agenda, this word decided to take up residence in my mind and became permanently etched in my brain. I researched the word “comfort” and I found the synonyms: enjoyment, exhilaration, satisfaction, relief, repose, happiness, peacefulness, pleasure, compassion, and snugness.

Recently while getting dressed to go the gym I was propelled into a moment that left me feeling almost paralyzed. This moment just snuck upon me and smacked me cold. In this moment, millions of clear petals started to fall from some invisible, blossoming tree. I realized that I was powerless against these petals; I could not stop them from falling. I picked up the phone to call a close friend but changed my mind and tossed the phone across the room in frustration. I realized that although he could offer comfort, he did not have a willing heart. I jumped up to change my now drenched shirt, tied my sneakers, wiped my face and headed out to the gym.

On my way to the gym, I wondered, “What was that?! What triggered that?!” Then the word came to me again, “Comfort.” A small voice whispered to me, “You’re in need of comfort.” “Hmm, interesting,” I thought. “Comfort.”

After I left the gym, I drove around making a mental list of things that offer me comfort. To my surprise, at the top of my list was sex. However, I had to be honest. I was craving sex. More than just the sexual activity, I wanted caring, affection and passion. My skin was hungry and needed to be touched. However, even with vast, relentless demands of this craving I knew I only wanted this comfort from a certain person.

I do find comfort from sex. Nevertheless, the issue I have is that I seem to have developed unfathomable mental barriers that only allow me to have sex with the person I love or with the person whom I have made a firm commitment. Interestingly, my heart has to know that the feelings are mutual before my body can fulfill the actions.

Bottled up in me was something that I was willing to offer and something I so greatly crave. Something deep inside that had no immediate possibility for expression or consummation. Maybe it is this need, which allowed the invisible blossoming tree to grow. Maybe this is the reason I was so powerless at the moment the petals fell. This moment actually forced me to reach out beyond myself for something my heart so yearned for. Somehow, I was able to get a tight grip on it. Maybe I had nothing to do with getting a grip on it, maybe the releasing of the petals offered its own temporary relief. I now can see that my need for comfort was much stronger than my craving for sex.

I recently interviewed my friend RJ, from San Antonio to find out what he thought about comfort as it relates to promiscuous sex in the SGL community. RJ stated, “I have often felt lonely and used this as an excuse to seek comfort. I substituted sex for a greater affection or desire to be wanted or needed. Now I know better. I know that many SGL individuals do seek sexual attention when they need comfort. However, what they end up getting is the wrong type of attention, and a temporary fix.” RJ went on to state that, “in the past when frustration got the best of him, he would seek immediate comfort. When he was angry, displeased with life or when his partner hurt his feelings, seeking sex in the arms of a stranger seemed to offer the best comfort.”

Many SGL people mistake their desire to be comforted, with their desire for sex. These are two separate things, which very often go hand-in-hand. Therefore, I ask you readers this question: Is a lack of physical comfort the root cause of promiscuous sex in the SGL community? What are your thoughts on this topic?

Let he who has ears to hear, use them.

2007-10-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

I found a very interesting parable in the bible that is speaking to all same-gender-loving people. It is about utilizing our ears. Jesus tells this very interesting story in Luke chapter 8:5-15.

The bible tells all same-gender loving people that it is not enough to have ears, its necessary to use them. In this parables Jesus compared our ears to soil. He told about a farmer who scattered seeds (symbolic of the God’s Word) in four different types of ground (symbolic of our ears). Some of our ears are like a hard road, unreceptive to the seed. Others have ears like rocky soil; we hear the Word but do not allow it to take root (maybe because somewhere we heard this lie about all homosexuals being doomed to hell). Still others have ears similar to a weed patch, too overgrown, too thorny, with too much competition for the seed to have a chance (you know, busy lifestyles). Then there are some who have ears that hear; that are well tilled, discriminate, and ready to hear God’s voice.

In all four cases, you will notice that the seed is the same seed. The sower is the same sower. What is different is not the message or the messenger. It is the listener. In addition, if the ratio in the story is significant, three-fourths of the same-gender-loving population is not listening to God’s voice. Whether the cause is hard hearts, shallow lives, or anxious minds, 75 percent of us are missing the message. It is not that we do not have ears; it is that we do not use them.

Take for example Pilate. He did not listen. He had the classic case of ears that did not hear. Not only did his wife warn him, “Don’t do anything to that man, because he is innocent” (Matt 27:19), but the very Word of Life stood before Pilate in his chamber and proclaimed, “Everyone who cares for truth, who has any feeling for the truth, recognizes my voice.” (John 18:37 The Msg)

However, Pilate had selective hearing. He allowed the voices of the people to dominate the voices of conscience and the carpenter. Luke 23:23 says, “Their voices prevailed.” In the end, Pilate inclined his ear to the crowd and away from the Christ and ignored the message of the Messiah. And since Pilate didn’t hear, he never found faith.

As a same-gender-loving person, will you incline your ears to the lies of the heterosexual world and away from Christ? On the other hand, will you insist on being just like Pilate? “Faith comes from hearing” (Romans 10:17) and if you’re like Pilate, you’ll never find faith.

“Let all same-gender-loving individuals who have ears to hear, use them.”

I Will, Be Healed.

2007-09-23T08:16:00.001-07:00

I recently read this interesting story on SGL Universe. Gospel recording artist DeWayne Woods claims that he has been healed from the HIV virus. Mr. Woods states that he has been living with the virus for years, and was often hospitalized, but his belief in God has healed him. He states, “I went back to the doctor a few years later and the same doctor who diagnosed me ran the test and sat me down and said ‘Well you tested negative’ and it baffled him.” In an interview with Candace Walker, Bella-Online’s Gospel Editor, Mr. Woods states, “I am not on any medication. I am completely healed and I go back often (for a check up) and it's not a lack of faith; it's just that you want to make sure that while you are giving out this type of testimony that things continue to stay documented.”

I’ll have to admit that one quarter through this story my first thought was that maybe he misunderstood his doctor. Maybe what the doctor was saying to Mr. Woods is that the HIV virus is now undetectable in your body. Nevertheless, if that were the case I could not imagine a doctor telling a patient not to take his HIV medication. Moreover, I’m sure Mr. Woods and his doctor are both intelligent enough to understand the difference between being HIV negative and the virus being undetectable in your body.

However, there are many people who would definitely disagree with Mr. Wood’s claim of being healed. Many people would think, ‘Why isn’t this story being told all throughout the media (television, radio, newspaper, CBN, and all other Christian media channels)?’ However, in the New Testament whenever Jesus healed someone He told him or her to tell no one, but go and show yourself to your priest. Maybe this is the reason DeWayne Wood’s story is not so widely publicized. Luke 15 states, “Your cleansed and obedient life, not your words, will bear witness to what I have done.” (The MSG)

However, many people probably wonder, “If this were true why is he the only person being healed of this disease?’ A miracle like this could cause other Christians’ faith to be shaken. However, it should not be shaken, because God heals people for different reasons and in different circumstances. We may not always understand why one person is healed and others remain afflicted with a dreaded disease, but we have to know that in God’s infinite wisdom there is a divine purpose. Who are we to question whether or not Mr. Woods has been healed?

Healing in the Bible is not just a simplistic algebraic equation that equates faith with healing. In Genesis God healed a man and his household after Abraham prayed for them. God healed Hezekiah from a deadly sickness and added fifteen years to his life because He respected Hezekiah's heartfelt prayer in which he recounted to God, with tears, his utter loyalty, sincerity and uprightness. In II Kings chapter 5 God healed the commander of the Syrian army, of leprosy at a time when there were numerous lepers who were not healed. Yet the story of Elisha has a different ending. Elisha was a remarkable individual who asked for and received a double portion of Elijah’s Spirit. Yet he died of a sickness despite the great powers bestowed and miracles performed through God’s Spirit. Elisha was not healed of his sickness but actually died from it.

As I continue to read Mr. Wood’s story what came to mind was the story of the unnamed leper in the Book of Luke. “While Jesus was in one of the towns, a man came along who was covered with leprosy. When he saw Jesus, he fell with his face to the ground and begged him, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean. Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" And immediately the leprosy left him.” (Luke 5:12-13 New International Version)

If you consider this verse, you would have to ask yourself what this leper was doing in the village. Lepers were quarantined to solitary places and leper colonies, similar to how people with HIV are quarantined in the mind of others when they find out about their illness. Therefore, when I read this I had to pay attention the message that was not there. Luke never said that it was the touch of Jesus that healed the man. Jesus could have healed this man of leprosy with a single pronouncement. Jesus not only healed the man, he validated this man with a gentle touch.

Perhaps Mr. Wood’s claim that he has been healed is true. Perhaps Mr. Woods needed Jesus’ gentle touch. Maybe while he was glorifying God during his illness, he reached out to Jesus and spoke the words of the leper: “Lord, you can heal me if you will.” Jesus spoke back and performed a miracle. Jesus said, “ I will, be healed.”

Eyes Wide Shut

2007-09-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

If you are a bible reader, you should be very familiar with this famous scripture: “Bring them out unto us so that we may know them.” (Genesis 19:5 KJV)

Check out Genesis, Chapter 19. It tells the story about Sodom and Gomorrah. In the King James Version when the men went to Lot’s door the verse reads, “Bring them out unto us so that we may know them.” But in the New International Version the verse states “Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them.” (Genesis 19:5 NIV)

The actions and desires of the men at Lot’s door were not about homosexuality (being sexually oriented toward the same gender or same-gender-loving), but about satisfying their own selfish needs and desires. These men did not care about who the men in Lot’s house were, (they were in fact, angels of God); they only cared about satisfying their lusts.

When I first read Genesis, Chapter 19 I knew what I was reading was true. Moreover, I was confident that my interpretation was right. (Although it doesn’t matter if I am right or wrong; God’s word is true it needs no validation from anyone.) However, I did not fully understand the true meaning of what I was reading. I was reading this chapter with my “Eyes wide shut.” I was reading this chapter based on the meaning I had inferred from other people: that all homosexuals are doomed to burn in hell for all eternity. Repeatedly I had heard people use this scripture and other biblical verses as a way to justify their own personal condemnation of homosexuals. So, when I read it I felt that all homosexuals were doomed to hell.

In Judges Chapter 19, I found a similar verse that had me stumped: “Bring forth the man who came into thine house, that we may know him” (KJV 19:22). I then had to re-read Genesis 19 and compare the similarities. After I re-read these chapters it really made me wonder, Is Genesis 19 really all about homosexuality or something else? Could that something else be selfishness?

How often do our own selfish needs and desires blind our eyes to what is truly real? Sometimes when we meet someone who might be special to us, our own values and expectations cause us to ignore the entire person; we often put on the sunglasses of selfish needs and desire. We tend to look at that person with our “Eyes wide shut.” Instead of getting to know the real person, we ignore the very thing that is staring us in our face. The things that we often ignore are the fundamental characteristics of a person’s personality, which can tear a relationship apart. People are not all are good and not all are bad, and the entire person and personality must be taken into account. If you choose to ignore the entire person just to satisfy your own selfish needs and desires, you may find yourself walking around in the light, wondering, “Why is it so dark?” You might find yourself dealing with the worst kind of deception—self deception. You may even blame the other person for their deceptive ways. Only to realize that the deception was entirely self-inflicted, because you choose, once again, to enter another relationship with your “Eyes Wide Shut.”

“Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do! And whatever else you do, develop good judgment.” (Proverbs 4:7 NLT)

Recent Trip - Atlanta's Black Gay Pride

2007-09-09T18:24:00.000-07:00

My recent trip to Atlanta for the Black Gay Pride event turned out to be quite worthwhile. I had never attended Gay Pride events because I viewed them to be all about sex and partying. I’m an SGL person and I’m not all about sex and partying, and as it turns out, neither was this event.

On my first day there I attended a “Welcome to Atlanta Reception” that was hosted my J.L. King, author of (On the Down-Low). I and five other authors were introduced at the event and had an opportunity to talk about our books, writing, and publishing experiences. The entire weekend was well organized and professionally executed. There was something for everyone to do.

Celebrities who attended Atlanta’s Black Gay Pride included Jennifer Hudson, Eva Pigford and Jade Cole from (America’s Next Top Model), Amerie, Frenchie Davis, Aneese, Latoya Luckett, Christian Vincent and Rodney Chester from (Noah’s Arc) and Jonathan Plummer, who was promoting his new book Balancing Acts. There was something for everyone—from clubs to religious and community events.

A particularly interesting event was the religious summit called SBGA-State of Black Gay America. At this event a group of local religious leaders facilitated an information sharing session on issues specific to the Black LGBT community.

I got a lot more out of this weekend than I expected. I was very happy that every private SGL event that I attended started out with a prayer. I was able to spend some time with a couple of people with whom I have been friends for over 15 years. I was able to work out some important issues that could have damaged a friendship that is very important to me. I met new friends, and to my surprise, came across an old love interest.This encounter is making me re-think a few things in my life. Life is important, but something that is just as important to me is having someone to share my life with. As an SGL person I have placed my need for love and companionship on the back burner for a long time. Meeting my old flame has made me want to give love another try.

This week-end turned out to be an opportunity for me to realize how important friends are, how important it is to be happy and how the blessings in our life and who we are as positive, God loving SGL individuals, are worth the fight.

PROJECTION

2007-08-27T14:15:00.001-07:00

Projection happens a lot in relationships between two SGL persons. Many SGL people tend to project their idea of happiness onto the person they meet. Often times this projection is based on a sexual fantasy.

Are you a victim of projection, or are you guilty of doing it?

Recently a friend shared with me that the reason his last relationship ended was due to projection. I thought it was very astute and wise for him to have such great insight into his situation, especially since he was the one doing the projecting. Although I was familiar with the concept of projection, I had never heard anyone actually say that it was the main reason for a failed relationship. Most people just hurl the accusation and then complain about the specific issues.

My friend stated he accused his ex-partner of thinking, doing and or planning exactly what he, himself was doing. My friend constantly projected his own failures and shortcomings, on his ex-partner in order to avoid facing up to his own inadequacy. His partner got sick of this kind of behavior and left.

Projection is very hurtful, especially when a partner projects their thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and impulses as a way of saying the relationship is not working.

Projection is not an easy concept to understand. We need to twist our way of thinking. An important part of understanding projection is to remember that people who project have the emotional maturity of a 5-year old! They are like the little kid caught red-handed stealing a cookie who says, "He made me do it!", or "Look what you made me do!" The projectors project as they simultaneously accuse... “You're the one who’s cheating, lying” etc. Can you imagine how those terribly cruel words hurt? Most people are devastated trying to understand how and where they came up with these wild ideas. What could we have done to make them react so vehemently?

The truth about people who use projection can be ugly. Like my friend, they are indeed saying exactly what they are doing, thinking, and or planning. Coming to this realization can give you a glimpse into the hell of their mind. It is a defense mechanism of their own disordered psyche. And while you are involved with this kind of person, if you allow it, your own normal ego can get damaged.

If you insist on staying with a person who engages in projection, expect endless blame and criticism often for trivial things. Expect them to 'split' you into a good or bad person instantaneously as their defense mechanisms kick in to protect their psyche.

We all want to have successful, monogamous relationships. But it should never be at the expense of our own self esteem. While we may not be able to avoid being a victim of projection, we can definitely recognize it early enough and make a decision not to deal with it. Remember, even if you are in a relationship with someone whom you respect and adore. Ultimately, you are only responsible for your own happiness.

Lets not just talk about love; let's practice real love. (1 John 3:18 The MSG)

Nothing To Offer

2007-08-20T07:50:00.000-07:00

Nicodemus came to Jesus in the middle of the night. The centurion came in the middle of the day. The leper and the sinful woman appeared in the middle of crowds. Zacchaeus appeared in the middle of a tree. Matthew had a party for him.

The educated. The powerful. The rejected. The sick. The lonely. The wealthy. Who would ever assemble such a crew? All they had in common were their empty hope chests, long left vacant by charlatans and profiteers. Though they had nothing to offer, they asked for everything: a new birth, a second chance, a fresh start, a clean conscience. And without exception their requests were honored.

As an SGL person, you can do the same. Ask, and Jesus will enter into your heart.

“God, come close. Come quickly! Open your ears—it's my voice you're hearing!” ( Psalm 141:1 – The Msg )

Love Knows No Gender

2007-08-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to have true love in an SGL relationship? Some people would say yes and some would say no. Naysayer’s would argue that two people of the same sex cannot have true love. Others might say that people who can and want to truly commit to one person and desire to be in love can find true love.

In a church that I used to attend there was an older SGL couple who had been together for about 45 years. Nearly everyone in the church knew that these two men were a couple. They were faithful members of the church. If you did not know the two of them you would have thought the two were just two old buddies who attended church together every Sunday. Not only did they attend church together, they also attended all the church functions together. It was brought to my attention that one of the partners suffered a heart attacked and died. The other partner was so distraught and heartbroken over the loss of his loved one that he died a week later; it is said, of a broken heart. True love is the soul's craving for the equally loving response–the counterpoint–on the part of the recipient. It is possible that these two men's hearts were intertwined.

Dying of a broken heart is very interesting, don't you think? I have heard of this happening with heterosexual couples but never with SGL couples. Could it be true that, true love knows no gender?

In the video linked below is a song from one of my favorite Christians groups, Avalon, "I Don't Want To Go." When I listen with just my ears to this song, the words always take my imagination to a place where the singer is saying that she does not want to go or be anyplace where Christ or the love of Christ is unavailable to her. However, as I watch this animated video with my eyes, my thoughts take me to these two men whose love was so strong that their very being was intertwined as one. My thoughts also take me to two lovers who are in love, and their love is so strong that silently it speaks, "my heart needs to be where you are."

Love is endless. Love is limitless, even the love between SGL couples. Everyone can be comforted to know that, “True Love knows no gender.”

FROM LOVE TO HATE

2007-08-06T09:22:00.000-07:00

A close friend needed advice about how to handle the hate in his heart toward his former partner and their failed 5-year relationship. He said he needed help because he did not know how handle it or what to do with his anger.

He said what hurt the most is loving someone so much and loosing that person even though you thought things were going great. He told me that although he is a strong Christians, this hate and anger inside wanted to lash out at his previous partner.

He stated that because of the fact that they both were Christians and that they both respected each other they agreed to get together and have a final talk. What was revealed in the final conversation really devastated my friend. His former partner stated in these exact words, "I don't love you anymore." Despite the fact that every area of the relationship was going well. Their finances, family life, and their sex life were all good. The love was missing. So instead of going outside of the relationship to seek out what he wanted so much at home, my friend’s partner chose to end the relationship.

He informed my friend that he started feeling this way about two years ago and the feelings had not changed. The reason he did not communicate this any sooner is that he had hoped that the feelings would go away. Out of respect and love for him he thought it best to end things now. My friend told me that this break up was almost shattering.

I asked my friend a question. “Why is there so much anger and hate in your heart towards your former partner?” He managed a smile and thanked me for asking this kind of question. He said he was finally forced with a situation between the two of them that he could not resolve. He stated that when dealing with past issues, he counted on his friend's forgiving heart and he knew he could always use that as a way to resolve any issues they may have had. He jokingly stated, “When it comes to affairs of the heart, there are no rules.” With that comment, I felt that he opened the door to other issues that may have been going on in the relationship. But I choose to ignore it. The anger, hate and hurt in his heart was more important.

I replied, "maybe the very tactics you used to resolve issues are the very things that drove your partner away." I added that he should be happy that he was involved with someone who did not use this as an excuse for infidelity. He agreed, but stated that he was still harboring hate and anger in his heart and wanted to know how to handle it. I ended our conversation with, “How can so much hate come from a relationship that you told me had so much love?”

I explained to my friend the fact that this was an SGL relationship doesn’t change the fact that in all relationships or situations we must remember that we are Christians and interact with each other in ways that are loving. This does not mean that we should be wimps, but that we should be wise. And have a wise and understanding heart.

A wise and understanding heart does not repay a hurt with a hurt. In doing so, the heart is diminished. Fissures form. And whatever love that formerly existed leaks out. Every pain given in return for one received changes the very contents of the heart. Now the heart is no longer defined by love, wisdom and understanding. It is redefined by the bearers of hurt and hate, pain and prejudice, meanness and madness, sorrow and sadness. By retaliating in kind, you give away control of your very own heart.

The despair of being hurt is healed by overcoming it, not by clinging to the hurt and inflicting more of it on your partner or the world. When darkness is added to darkness, no one can see, no one can love. Everyone loses.

Love is not always warm and fuzzy, sensual, intimate or sentimental. Sometimes love is the integrity we hold on to when we're tempted to strike back. Sometimes it's the honor that keeps us from exchanging the valuable contents of our heart for the harsh satisfaction of lashing back.

The way of love is not always easy, but when night falls, dawn is assured and the integrity and honor of a wise and understanding heart, rises with the sun of a new day.

"Because you have asked for understanding to discern judgment. I have given you a wise and understanding heart." 1 Kings 3:11-12

IMAGE

2007-07-30T04:33:00.000-07:00

How certain people see the homosexual community often defines us to everyone else. The perceptions of others may define our appearance, personality, attitude, and overall self-image. Yet, is this really a true impression of who we are? There are times when our true image and what we represent speaks for itself. Even then, in order to see a person true image, it must be broken down and individualized. What about Jesus? Does your image of Him speak for itself? Or is your image of Him flawed by negative Christians?

There was an article published in 2000 by a man who was positive that he knew what Jesus looked like. The reason why he was so certain is that every image of Christ that he saw looked like the same person.

When I was a child, the only image I had of Christ was the image that I saw of Him on television. Even then, I cared less about His appearance and more about the person He is and what I believed He represented. Not at one time did I feel that my image mirrored His because I was led to believe that He was a white man. As we grow wiser we learn that image isn’t all about how a person looks—it also involves what a person represents. I grew up believing in the Christ that my parents talked about. I think the only time I was concerned about what Jesus looked like is when I listened to my friends’ debate about what part of the world He came from and the color of His skin. At that time I was grasping for something or someone that I could relate to or identify with. However, that was more about my sexuality and less about Christ.

I’m not sure what images this man was looking at or for, but there are thousands of images of Christ, most created many centuries ago. In no way could they all depict the same face. The only pattern that one can determine in the images this man saw is that the image of Christ at any given time and place is a reflection of the person who created it.

The picture above is an interesting and unique representation of Christ, because the faces make up His image. This image is considerably outside of any image I have ever had of Christ, but I would have to say it definitely fits a true image of Christ and what He represents. I like this image because I see a more human image of Christ and I identify with some of the faces. When I look at this picture, I am no longer blinded by what I considered to be a negative cloud of homosexuality. Now, I can easily see my own face as being a piece of the puzzle that makes the image of Christ complete.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. (Genesis 1:27) KJV

PASSION

2007-07-22T22:17:00.000-07:00

When you think of the word “passion”, what do you think? Most people tend to think of passion only as a strong lustful desire shared by lovers, or an object of fondness for another person, or an instance or feeling of strong love or sexual desire. Some people may even describe it as an outburst of strong emotions or feelings of hate.

While all these definitions of passion are correct, the origin of the word “passion” indicates a different meaning. The English word “passion” is derived from the Greek word pathos; similar to the word “passion”, “pathos” has several meanings. It can mean something that happens to you—bad or good, but especially bad—either that you must endure or suffer. From this origin, the word came to have a second meaning—an intense feeling of want or need, such as a passionate desire.

Does this kind of “passion” have anything to do with Jesus? Well, let’s think about life. Is life fair? No, life is not fair. Unfair things happen to us all the time. Passion in the sense of suffering happens to us. Unfair things happen, because at some point in our lives all of us do unfair things to ourselves and to other people. No one in this world is perfect. We are not perfect because, by doing our own thing we all have broken our relationship with God.

God has a passionate desire for us. In His passion, there is hope, because God suffers from pathos (or passion) in the second sense of the word. He passionately hates the unfairness in the world. Therefore, He entered our world as Jesus Christ. However, although He was perfect, although He never did one unfair thing, unfair things happened to him. Pathos (or passion in the sense of suffering) happened to Him, until ultimately, He was mocked, flogged, and crucified.

Those who did this to Him, both Jew and non-Jew, represent all of us, because the crucifixion of Jesus represents how broken our relationship with God really is. In breaking our relationship with God, by doing things our own way, we have wished God wasn’t there, we have wished Him dead.

Now, here is the amazing thing: It would be absolutely “fair” for Jesus to get off His cross and punish us, all of us, for what we have done. However, He doesn’t. He endures the cross because he loves us. That is the passion (in the sense of suffering) of the Christ. He endures the cross so that, three days later when He is raised from the dead, we can know Him, have our broken relationship with God restored, and one day, be raised from the dead too. He identifies with us, so we can identify with him.

One last thing: He is coming back to finally get rid of all the unfairness in the world, to completely heal those who identify with Him, and to distribute judgment to those who do not.

If this is new to you, and you think you might want to identify with Jesus and know God in a personal way, you can begin by praying.

“God, I am sorry that I have broken my relationship with you. Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross so that our relationship can be mended.”

Are you living your own life?

2007-07-08T14:42:00.000-07:00

The question I consider is, “Ask me whether what I have done–my actions and behavior–are my life.” As in the case of the river, it can only function for the purpose for which it was intended to function. For some of you who are reading this entry, these words may appear to be nonsense, possibly nothing more than my creative use of language and logic. If I were to answer the question, I would have to say, “Of course what I have done is my life! I have nothing else to compare it.” However, for other readers, these words, when applied to oneself clearly penetrate the heart and are disquieting.

These words remind me of the moments when I possess the clarity to see that the life I am living is not the same as the life that is yearning to live in me. In those moments, I sometimes catch a glimpse of my true life, a life hidden like the bubbling river beneath the prison of ice. It is then that I wonder, “What am I meant to do? Who am I meant to be?”

When I was younger, I thought and focused a lot about my vocation. Having a good job was important to me. At least until I learned that one’s vocation is not just simply choosing a career; it is listening to your life, and learning what it is truly about. If this is not done your life will never represent anything real in this world.

By all appearances, things were going well with me, but my soul does not put much stock in my appearances. Searching for a path more purposeful than what the world could offer, I started to understand that it is indeed possible to live a life other than one’s own. Fearful that I was doing just that—but uncertain about the deeper, truer life I sensed hidden inside me, uncertain whether it was real or trustworthy or within reach—I would snap awake in the middle of the night and stare for long hours at the ceiling. My first thought was a simple, yet powerful prayer. “Lord, please, have mercy on my soul.”

Why the prayer? I was haunted by the fact that I am a Christian and a homosexual. I was haunted by what I was taught as a kid about Christianity and homosexuality. My own thoughts about these issues did not matter, because when we are young we are taught to listen to everything and everyone but ourselves, to take all our cues about living from the people and powers around us. Some of my thoughts were about myself, God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, happiness, relationships, honesty, monogamy, trust, rejection, fear, intimacy, spirituality, family, and friends. Whether or not I would grow old alone or with someone. Some were unreal, a distortion of my true self—as must be the case when one lives from the outside in, not the inside out. I had simply found a “noble” way to live a life that was not my own, an inauthentic, derivative life spent imitating others instead of listening to my heart.

One thought that stumped me was the thought, I–the act of simply being me—was in the hardest battle of my life. The battle of “Me vs. Me”. I finally concluded, “Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you. Before you tell you life what truths and values you have decided to live up to, let your life tell you what truths you embody, what values you represent.” From this vantage point comes clear wisdom. Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am. I must listen to the truths and values at the heart of my own identity, not the standards from outside by which I must live, but the standards by which I cannot help but live if I am living my own life.

All private comments regarding this entry can be emailed to me at lullabiesofmercy@yahoo.com

What Is Love?

2007-07-01T10:40:00.000-07:00

Popular music often explores the nature of love. Thousands of songs from Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” (Love is a “second-hand emotion”), Lisa Fischer's love drama "How Can I Ease the Pain." (According to Lisa, a fool for love is a fool for pain) to Vivian Green’s song, “What is Love?” (What others see as drama, she is seeing more as art), offer theories on various aspects of this complex emotion.

Philosophers and academics classify the emotion of love in three categories. First, there is Eros love, which is the erotic love; it is based on strong sexual feelings toward another. Eros love usually occurs in the first stages of a romance. Eros is based on external, physical appearance, self-benefit, feeling good and inspiring a happy feeling. Eros love alone can never be a lasting love because the lovers do not know each other’s personalities. Most of the time each person is putting his or her best foot forward, showing only their good side. A couple will have to go through a lot with each other—pain and pleasure, joy and sorrow to form a long-term lasting relationship. Acting on the erotic feelings, calling it a relationship, and being in love with the concept of love, rather than the person, is not very wise. In addition, relying on pure emotions without the balance of logic will put the relationship on the road to failure. Eros love is usually untested by hardships, and may not develop into a strong love or anything long lasting unless it progresses into a higher form a love.

The next form of love is Philos love, which is based on a friendship between two people. It is true that relationships that start out being friends usually are more long lasting because friendship is the foundation of a successful relationship. The advantage is that you get to know each other first, and commit to a more serious relationship above the friendship. With Eros love, you see only each other’s good side and everything looks promising. Philos love is based on give-and-take, where the two lovers obtain a mutual benefit from each other. While Philos is a higher form of love than Eros, it must transform into the highest form of love, “Agape”, (ah-gah-pey) or unconditional love.

Agape love is totally selfless, where a person offers love to another person without benefit to him or herself. The person continues to love regardless of whether it is returned. Some examples of Agape love are when a person chooses to forgive rather than fight, the unconditional love of a mother, or the love we show our parents by taking care of them in their old age. However the highest form of Agape love is the divine love of God for us, His children.

God displayed His love when he sent His one and only son, Jesus Christ to suffer and die on the cross for our salvation. There is no greater love that this. Jesus had no obligation to die for us, but He chose to. He chose to die for us because He knew what would happen to all humankind, if He left us on our own. Without Jesus’ death on the cross we would have been doomed to eternal damnation; no soul would have been able to enter the eternal life in Heaven.

When I consider “What Is Love?” I remember Jesus as the epitome of Agape love. In addition, His word offers a true meaning of love.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

We Are Christians

2007-06-24T14:33:00.000-07:00

Can you recognize a Christian if you were to see one or meet one? What if the Christian were a homosexual who was outed or had outed him or herself? Would your focus be on the fact that the person is a homosexual, or on that person's Christianity?

For those of us who are both homosexual and Christian when our truth is revealed, or when we reveal our truth, we sometimes deal with an added burden of questioning God, the Church, and our own salvation. How do we live a holy and pure life and be happy? What if we decide to go to church, sit silently in the pew, and tell no one about our truth? Are we honoring God by dishonoring ourselves? Can we truly worship God in truth and spirit if we are willing to sit quietly and live a lie? Where is the truth in that?

For years, I chose to hide my Christianity behind the fact that I am a homosexual. I was afraid that my God, who blesses me daily and continues to bless me, could not protect me if I were to openly show the world that His love is so wonderful that it can even cover me—a homosexual. I thank God I am no longer a closeted Christian. Who I am in Christ has been revealed. It was my act of “sharing my truth” that most strongly revealed the power of Christ in me.

For me and some of my Christian SGL brothers and sisters revealing this part of our personal lives has nothing to do with “coming out of the closet.” What we are doing is letting the world into a part of our personal world, our personal space. Letting the world look at some homosexuals whose lives do not revolve around sex, parties, bars, clubs or whatever else some people think the gay scene-agenda represents. Letting the world know that we are willing to sacrifice what other people are willing to think and say about us to reach some of God’s children who are lost in darkness. We are willing to be a light into some dark places. Some of those places happen to be in peoples’ minds and hearts.

One reaction that I find both irritating and fascinating is the phrase frequently used when others want to reassure me of their acceptance. “I’m glad you have decided to come out of the closet and be who you really are.” You should see the shocked and frustrated looks on their faces when I fire back with, “And who, exactly, am I?” Most are silent and or apologetic because they are afraid to tell me what they really think. Maybe they are just a little shock by the look on my face that says, “OK, I’m waiting. Bring it on!”

They can’t seem to remember that we are Christian. Guided by God's hands. We are who Christ states we are. We are warriors of Christ. We are friends to the friendless. Brothers to the brother-less. We are committed church members. Dedicated sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, and parents. Some of us are in committed, same-sex relationship and some of us choose to live a life of celibacy. Nevertheless, primarily, we are Christians. Moreover, we struggle in life as other Christians do. Our sexuality is only one distinct part of our bearing the cross.

On my recent trip to Washington DC, I met a man who shared an interesting observation. After talking with me for about an hour he said, “You’re a Christian man, aren’t you?” Surprised, I responded accordingly. During the course of our conversation, I said nothing that indicated that I was a Christian; nor did we discuss any religious topics. However, he recognized and announced who I am without me even purposely signifying or mentioning it to him. Why did it take him less than a few hours to recognize the Christ in me, yet it takes others who confess to be Christians years? Maybe because this man ignored the fact that I am a homosexual and recognized something he doesn’t see that often. A Christian.

The Validity of Jesus' Testimony -"Jesus spoke again to the people and said, I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." (John 8:12 NIV)

Intimacy

2007-06-17T21:50:00.001-07:00

When you hear the word “Intimacy” what comes to your mind? This word that is tossed around quite a bit. Often when a couple is described as “Intimate”, it usually means the two appear extremely familiar with each other—so familiar that they often finish each other’s sentences.

However, having the familiarity to predict another’s thoughts does not necessarily indicate intimacy. In the entertainment industry, intimacy is used to describe a couple’s sex life. Although it is indispensable to a happy marriage, a vigorous sex life is not the only factor needed to experience intimacy. A loving, lifelong commitment creates an intimacy that forms a union out of two separate persons.

For a person to become one with his or her mate, they must reveal all aspects of their emotional, spiritual and physical lives and be completely honest and candid in all possible ways. Sadly, for most couples intimacy is rare.

God wants you to experience the intimacy described by Jesus. Not only is intimacy important with couples, it is just as important when we are getting to know Jesus or spending time with Him. However, many go about it the wrong way by failing to realize the three dimensions of an intimate relationship.

First dimension is Spiritual intimacy, which takes place only between two people who share Jesus Christ as their Savior. All Christians have the potential to share their love of Christ with one another. However, when a couple share their spiritual lives, they pray and study God’s word together, talk about spiritual issues and encourage and challenge one another in their faith. By doing this, they grow together in their relationship with God and walk together in His light.

Second dimension is Emotional intimacy, which exists when couples share facts, feelings, opinions, dreams, fears and frustrations. They experience happiness and sadness together as if the two were one person. They live their lives openly, without secrets or fear of condemnation from their mate. Communication is frequent and expected because sharing is vital to building and maintaining this dimension of intimacy.

If emotional intimacy is not achieved in a commitment, a person may seek it with someone outside of the relationship. Emotional intimacy with someone other than your partner or mate is dangerous because it often leads to physical intimacy.

And third is Physical intimacy, which is equally important. Couples who think that spiritual and emotional intimacy are enough only fool themselves. Although one might become convinced that sexual fulfillment is unnecessary, that doesn’t make it so. Especially in our cultural climate, sexual intimacy in a committed relationship is important to cultivate and protect.

While we can share some sense of emotional intimacy with others, our deepest intimacies should be reserved for our mate alone. That means we share our emotions, our spirit and our body with the mate that God has chosen for us. If we withhold any dimension of ourselves, we are preventing us from becoming one.

So to those who have committed your heart, mind and body to each other, I say. Yield to your mate and surrender yourself to Christ. Let down the walls in every area of your being to experience the satisfying and complete kind of intimacy God intended for you. And as the walls come down, your knowledge and love for your mate and God will flourish.

Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith. (Hebrews 10:22a)

A Deep Yearning

2007-06-10T16:47:00.000-07:00

I learned that my soul is always yearning for the comfort from God. The occasion was the Fire and Ink Literary event at DC's Black Pride. “Join Authors Reading from their New Work.” A group of authors gathered together among an audience of about 60-70 people to introduce and read excerpts from their books. (I was’nt one of the participating authors.) All authors were there in hopes of selling their books, and maybe possibly becoming the next E. Lynn Harris, or just for an avenue to network and meet new people. A list was handed out to all who attended letting them know the order the authors would be reading.

Each author was given five minutes to read an excerpt. What I found very interesting about the order is that all the authors whose readings described graphic sexual experiences or sexual situations were among the first to read. All authors whose excerpts had more of a religious or spiritual orientation were placed near the end. I was not sure why this was, but I listened intently.

As I listened to the authors, I also listened to the audience. Each author was very well received. You could tell by the audience reactions that the topics of intense sexual encounters, and details of what was happening while in bed definitely appeared to be what the majority of the audience approved of and or wanted. The more I listened, the more I knew that this was not something I wanted to hear. From time to time, I would exit the room, not wanting to hear about another sexual escapade. I wondered, “Is this really where God wants me to be?” While I could appreciate and respect that all the authors were talented, quite creative and their books were well written, I knew that sex was not an issue or an avenue I choose to use to reach my readers.

Near the end of this event, when the authors whose excerpts were of a religious nature were scheduled to read, things took a different turn. When the first author was introduced, I noticed the audience starting get a little smaller, though the majority stayed. As each author read, the audience reactions were just as wonderful. However, for a different reason. It seemed to be more about the uniqueness of the authors’ writings and less about the religious topic. As I listened, I did not feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. I wondered, “Did anyone pray and invite God to this event? Or, could it be that because of the topic or the fact that everyone there was a homosexual, someone decided that God had no place there, or would refuse the invitation? Did I pray and ask God to be with me and protect me while I attended this event? No, I did not. My goal was to network and generate sales of my book.

Then the final author got up to read. As she read, I became aware of a deep yearning for something that my heart could relate or hold onto. Perhaps it was the Holy Spirit whispering to my soul. I was experiencing a thirst for God that does not draw from a passion inside me that is welling up, but from a slow and necessary part of me that is not being fed what it is lacking. In what I considered a pleasant environment with an unpleasant topic, my heart yearned to hear something from God. So, the more she read, the more intently I listened, and the more I wanted to hear. As she continued to read, I wanted to walk up and sit in the first row, where I could be near her, where I could catch an ounce of God’s anointing as it flowed from her body. For I know that God’s anointing flows from heaven to Christians like water flowing through a pipe. Not that this young woman could touch me and pass the anointing to me, but I knew that at the moment God’s presence enveloped her. As this young woman came to the second paragraph of her excerpt, (from, Same Spirit) you could hear the passion in her voice and see the hurt on her face and the tears that fell from her eyes as she slowly read these words:

“I am burdened by the teaching of my people who taught me that God is love while simultaneously teaching me that God doesn’t love homosexuals, therefore does not love me. I am burdened and weighted by the doctrines and teaching of the church in which I learned to seek the Kingdom of God while also learning that homosexuals have no place in the Kingdom of God. I am burdened by the church that tells me that we all have a right to the tree of life, and on the other hand that homosexuals have no place and no opportunity for a place in the sight of God. I am weighted by the rejection of the church that taught me that God has no respect of persons while teaching me that God does, indeed, have persons whom he does not respect. I am. Weighted. Rejected. Cast aside. Forgotten by those who taught me that God throws our sins, not us, in the sea of forgetfulness. I wonder where this God is. I am weighted and I am thrown into this sea of eternal forgetfulness, the Bible tied around my ankles to ensure my drowning, as I am reminded that God will never forgive my sin. God, who loves everyone, abhors me.”

As she continued to read with tears running down her face, I realized that although I did not invite God to this event, apparently, this young woman did. And her invitation to the Lord and His loving willingness to attend, was enough for all willing participants who yearned for Him to bask in His presence.

“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.” (Psalm 42:1 NIV)

Excerpt from: Spirited - Affirming The Spirited Soul and Black Gay/Lesbian Identity. James/Moore - Redbone Press

(Same Spirit - Laying Aside the Weight) Page 164 - Author: Dorothy Harris - Used by Permission.