Sometimes we all faced with difficult choices, some of those choices may be easy and some may be extremely painful. When we make choices, we determine the important future events of our life.
If you’re a faithful reader of my blog, I’m sure you have noticed that I have not posted in about three weeks. I’ve been ill. This illness wasn’t because of a cold or a flu; it was more of what I would classify as self-inflicted pain.
Although I did not inflict this pain, I allowed the pain to be inflicted. Based on the recommendation from my doctor I underwent a surgical procedure. My doctor stated that I did not have to have the surgery; however, he clearly let me know and stressed that the surgery would resolve my issues, and help me to live a better more comfortable life. I’m all for living a more comfortably, so I agreed. After doing my own research and asking my doctor about a million questions, I was given pre-op instructions and the surgery was scheduled.
The surgery was performed on an outpatient basis. I made it through with no complications. Afterward I went home to rest, embrace my healing and “comfortable” life. As the anesthesia began to wear off, it seemed to open the doorway for the intense pain to slide right in and set up camp. Believe me, it did. Most of my days and nights were filled with the most excruciating pain my body has ever felt. The pain was so intense that most of my nights were sleepless. The pain medication that the doctor prescribed was ineffective, and the side effects made me with drip with beads of sweat. Some nights the moment I would fall asleep it seemed that my pain had a mind of its own and refused to allow me to rest. It would send, what seemed like, piercing painful shock waves through my body causing me to wake up screaming. What may have sounded like screams of passion to my neighbors, were really screams of pain and agony.
One particular night when I was unable to fall asleep, I found myself falling in and out of consciousness trying to ease my pain through some sort of mathematical equations. With the use of some type of Microsoft software, I found myself trying to narrow down and solve the root cause of my pain using numbers. I must have really been suffering from some strange delusions; however, my pain put a quick halt to that and quickly woke me up.
My pain was so unbearable, that for three days I refused to eat. I forced myself to drink water because I knew I could survive on water alone. I have to thank God for a good friend who was available to help me out and force me to eat. In my prayer time, I convinced myself to thank God for the pain. Somewhere in my mind, I sensed that God knew that I was strong enough to endure my affliction. So even as painful as it was I tried to embrace it.
However, I was not doing a good job.
One week post surgery at my follow-up appointment I explained all my suffering in detail to my doctor. He stated that all was normal; my body was in major shock because it had never experienced such intense pain before. However, he assured me that I was past the worst of it, and things should get better very soon.
The week that followed my doctor’s appointment continued with more intense pain. I could hear the doctor’s words echoing repeatedly in my head: “You’re past the worst of it. Things should get better very soon.” In frustration whenever the pain would hit me, I kept mumbling, “How soon is ‘very soon’ going to get here?” No matter what I did, or how much I tried to relax, my pain for the first time in my life had dominion and complete control of my mind and my body.
I have to admit, these sleepless nights, along with my pain was getting the best of me. Who was I kidding? As I lay in my bed, I realized that I could no more embrace this excruciating pain than I could deny my sexuality. Strangely, the night of this realization, I slept peacefully. For the first time in two-weeks, I was able to sleep without pain. Why, I’m not so sure, was the pain and my sexuality connected? On the other hand, should I ask the question “Is my pain and my sexuality connected?” Even that, I am not sure. Interestingly, the next morning, the moment I opened my eyes my pain resumed, as if to say, “not only am I here to serve a purpose, but also as a reminder.”
However, I am humbled by this experience. I made this choice. I knowingly, accepted this choice based on my Doctor’s recommendation, I opted for a more “comfortable” life, however painful. Years ago, I did the same by coming out to myself, and embracing my sexuality, though I knew it would cause some pain. I made a choice to embrace the person God created. I made a choice not to live in fear, not to live a lie. My choices were only meant to benefit me, although it caused others some pain, it wasn't meant to. However I knew, just like this physical and mental pain, though temporary, these choices would enable me to live a more comfortable life.
Thank God for choices. In addition, thank God for the wisdom and strength to embrace them.
